Dear Husband,
It has recently come to my attention that you do not want to paint the baby's nursery. In your opinion a muddy yellow color is perfectly acceptable. For the sake of our sanity (yes, your sanity will be determined by mine) please refrain from giving your opinion (unless specifically asked as described in the next paragraph) for the next 6 months.
Also, please feign at least a mild interest in the color that the nursery will be painted. I know it's hard to differentiate between "vanilla" and "cream" but trust me there is a difference and, even if you do so with your eyes closed, by simply pointing to one or the other you will make me feel like you have played a very important role in the life of our unborn child.
So, for pete's sake, please act excited about something...anything...I, and pete, would appreciate it.
Love,
Your Wife
P.S. Telling your pregnant wife that she can pull off "cute" sometimes is highly unacceptable and could result in very serious consequences for you.
P.S.S. Telling your pregnant wife just because she's pregnant does not mean we need to put a "Wide Load" sign on the car is beyond highly unaccepetable and will result in the aforementioned pregnant wife driving you to the men's homeless shelter and leaving you there.
P.S.S.S. Allowing the house to be the after-hours party house while your wife (pregnant or not) sleeps upstairs is also highly unacceptable. This should go without saying...but apparently it does not.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Heartbeats
Yesterday was my 11 week 3 day check-up. I wasn't quite sure what to expect and though Marcus originally was going to go he couldn't make it. In the end I'm sorry he missed it. This visit was less eventful than the last as there wasn't any poking, prodding, or blood letting...though they did make me pee in a cup again...I hope that isn't a regularly occurring event although if it is I suppose my peeing in cups ability will become rather proficient over time. The most fantastic part of the visit was that I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. (S)he is growing strong with 150 beats per minute which, if you'll allow me to be non-sarcastic for a moment, is amazing. The adult human heart beats on average 70 to 75 times a minute. This little guy or gal is really going at it in there! In just a matter of weeks the baby has gone from a cluster of cells to a distinctly human form...too bad it has to stay there for the next 6 months.
The other thing that came out of my doctor's visit was he put the kibosh on my hopes of being pregnant and running the Army Ten Miler in October. In case you don't personally know me you may be unaware that I am a runner and actually take enjoyment out of running...as much as it sucks. Of course, over the last few weeks I've barely run one mile but I feel I have a pretty darn good excuse for that. In the end the doctor didn't completely take away my running but he did say that ten miles may be overdoing it. Not to mention in a race setting I may be less aware of overdoing it which is possible since I'm constantly trying to beat my previous year's time. In the meantime I bought two headbands to wear when I do eventually get back to running. One of them reads "Not Fat, Pregnant" and the other reads "It's Just Baby Fat" which should last me for another year at least, right?
In the end I now have an "even better excuse to be a bum" as Marcus ever so gently and sweetly put it (and as if growing a baby which is depleting the very essence of my soul/life isn't a good enough reason already). I fully intend to continue watching the "King of Queen's" and "Seinfeld" re-runs to my hearts content. I have learned there are a few shows I need to stay away from and they are, in no particular order, any shows about 9/11, shows about giving birth, shows about children being lost, shows with fake tans/boobs and hair poufs (actually, I could never stomach that crap but thought I would throw it in anyway), and finally, shows about hurt or abandoned animals.
Next up! Dealing with the husband. That should be a good one.
The other thing that came out of my doctor's visit was he put the kibosh on my hopes of being pregnant and running the Army Ten Miler in October. In case you don't personally know me you may be unaware that I am a runner and actually take enjoyment out of running...as much as it sucks. Of course, over the last few weeks I've barely run one mile but I feel I have a pretty darn good excuse for that. In the end the doctor didn't completely take away my running but he did say that ten miles may be overdoing it. Not to mention in a race setting I may be less aware of overdoing it which is possible since I'm constantly trying to beat my previous year's time. In the meantime I bought two headbands to wear when I do eventually get back to running. One of them reads "Not Fat, Pregnant" and the other reads "It's Just Baby Fat" which should last me for another year at least, right?
In the end I now have an "even better excuse to be a bum" as Marcus ever so gently and sweetly put it (and as if growing a baby which is depleting the very essence of my soul/life isn't a good enough reason already). I fully intend to continue watching the "King of Queen's" and "Seinfeld" re-runs to my hearts content. I have learned there are a few shows I need to stay away from and they are, in no particular order, any shows about 9/11, shows about giving birth, shows about children being lost, shows with fake tans/boobs and hair poufs (actually, I could never stomach that crap but thought I would throw it in anyway), and finally, shows about hurt or abandoned animals.
Next up! Dealing with the husband. That should be a good one.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Things That Aren't As Much Fun To Do Pregnant, I.E. Not Drunk
1. I adore Virginia Tech football. I loath drunk Virginia Tech "sorostitutes" (Marcus' words, not mine).
2. Having time to waste in NYC without the possibility of finding a little Irish bar and becoming friends with the owner who then proceeds to pour free shots.
3. Spending an entire weekend at a cabin with nothing to do (but drink for those lucky bastards who can).
4. Two words: Brunch and mimosas. The two go hand-in-hand. How can you have one without the other for crying out loud?!
5. I have some bachelorette parties coming up. What is a bachelorette party without alcohol called? I wouldn't know.
6. Go to amusement parks such as Busch Gardens. (Updated, 6 October 2010)
*This is an ongoing list. I'll add more as I come across occassions that are less fun without alcohol-induced joys.
Blogger's Note: Wow. I suppose after the baby is born I'll be signing up for AA.
2. Having time to waste in NYC without the possibility of finding a little Irish bar and becoming friends with the owner who then proceeds to pour free shots.
3. Spending an entire weekend at a cabin with nothing to do (but drink for those lucky bastards who can).
4. Two words: Brunch and mimosas. The two go hand-in-hand. How can you have one without the other for crying out loud?!
5. I have some bachelorette parties coming up. What is a bachelorette party without alcohol called? I wouldn't know.
6. Go to amusement parks such as Busch Gardens. (Updated, 6 October 2010)
*This is an ongoing list. I'll add more as I come across occassions that are less fun without alcohol-induced joys.
Blogger's Note: Wow. I suppose after the baby is born I'll be signing up for AA.
The Cabin Was A Success! Sort Of.
This weekend we went to the cabin in Baker, West Virginia with some good friends. This trip has been a source of stress for me because I'm not ready to tell people up front about the pregnancy. I'm still waiting out for the second trimester. Although, we are having a little fun with those who are guessing it on their own.
After about 24 hours of putting off drinking and avoiding the peer pressure to start drinking Marcus and I pulled the ol' switcharoo. He had already prepared two bottles of "beer" filled with water and set them in the cooler for when I decided to start drinking. I did drink one of them, it was ice cold and delicious, but accidentally left it sitting next to the couch only to have someone else find it and dump it out.
That was the beginning of the end. The Observant One figured me out. I don't know exactly what tipped her off. She said her senses picked up a week ago at Marcus' birthday party when I looked utterly exhausted...which I was...and then she noticed my lack of drinking...which I wasn't (drinking that is). Even Observant One's husband noticed something. For at least a week now he's been asking me what's wrong. My desire to fly under the radar and not draw attention to my non-drinking-self was what was wrong. So, in a way, he caught on he just didn't know it.
In the end we got away with only two out of the four adults at the cabin discovering our little secret. Although, my particularly well-endowed chest was noticed on the last day by Clueless #1. What? My Hokie bird just grew some extra big muscles, that's all. ;)
After about 24 hours of putting off drinking and avoiding the peer pressure to start drinking Marcus and I pulled the ol' switcharoo. He had already prepared two bottles of "beer" filled with water and set them in the cooler for when I decided to start drinking. I did drink one of them, it was ice cold and delicious, but accidentally left it sitting next to the couch only to have someone else find it and dump it out.
That was the beginning of the end. The Observant One figured me out. I don't know exactly what tipped her off. She said her senses picked up a week ago at Marcus' birthday party when I looked utterly exhausted...which I was...and then she noticed my lack of drinking...which I wasn't (drinking that is). Even Observant One's husband noticed something. For at least a week now he's been asking me what's wrong. My desire to fly under the radar and not draw attention to my non-drinking-self was what was wrong. So, in a way, he caught on he just didn't know it.
In the end we got away with only two out of the four adults at the cabin discovering our little secret. Although, my particularly well-endowed chest was noticed on the last day by Clueless #1. What? My Hokie bird just grew some extra big muscles, that's all. ;)
Thursday, September 2, 2010
99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall! 99 Bottles of B...Aww, Man
If you know me or if you know Marcus you know that we enjoy our, how do you say, adult beverages. A lot. We often lament the fact that most of our socializing revolves around alcohol but in reality I don't think we would want it any other way. We're responsible drinkers, i.e. one of us or another person is always the designated driver and if we can we walk to where we need to go. In short, we, as is our social circle, are drinkers. Therefore it becomes noticeable when a member of the group stops drinking.
This was an issue I knew would arise sooner or later...and in our case it was much sooner than we thought. No matter how you look at it there really isn't a time of year that doesn't involve drinking events. As it is, there is a very real cycle to our social calendar and, using today to start things off, it begins with "It's the end of summer so quick, let's have a party before cold weather sets in" events; after summer is gone the football games begin which are either watched at the game itself or in a bar on a big screen TV; once football season begins we start heading into the holidays starting with Halloween and finally ending with New Years Eve; there can be a small respite in the dead of winter unless you're a hockey fan and then, well you just never stop drinking; if you aren't a hockey fan then drinking commences with St. Patrick's day; finally, we go into the "weather's getting warmer, let's party" events, and thus the cycle continues. The only way one can really pull-off not drinking is by basically becoming a hermit and potentially ticking-off a few people in the process. I hope we haven't done that but we keep reminding ourselves that if friends are annoyed with our declines to events they will forgive us once they know our reasoning. In the meantime, for those who have invited us out and who we have accepted...well, I'm afraid we aren't fooling anybody.
The first to figure us out were two good friends who apparently are Sherlock Holmes* and Dr. Watson. Damn them and their uncanny ability to sleuth! What clued them is were three weekends in a row that I was not seen with a bottle of beer or wine glass in hand. As I recall the first weekend we saw them I had a slight inclination as to what was going on so, I did indulge in one glass of wine but that was it. Totally abnormal behavior. The second weekend we accepted an invitation to go to a wine bar in town. That was dumb. Marcus and I got there early so I could order something non-alcoholic which, of course, upon Sherlock and Watson's arrival immediately sparked curiosity because it was something different. I also tried to feign a headache that day thinking that would do the trick. I was never meant to be an actor because it didn't work. Finally, the third weekend we had friends over for game night. I had told everyone ahead of time that I couldn't drink because of medication I was on. I felt like the biggest jerk when someone made a point to say that if I were pregnant, being on medcation and thus not drinking would be a great excuse. So, after those three weekends in a row Sherlock and Watson figured us out. Though, in our defense interrogating a drunk Marcus at 4 am and getting him to officially spill the beans is not very fair. Hmpfff...
Interestingly enough, only two other girlfriends have caught on to my non-drinking and confronted me about it: Running Girl and Wine Buddy. I knew Running Girl would catch on quickly (though how quickly I never would have guessed). We'd talked about how to hide a pregnancy from our friends so many times during runs together I should have known she would figure me out first. I actually think though that it was New Mommy #1 who tipped her off. I'm fairly certain I saw the light bulb literally go off over New Mommy 1#'s head as she put two and two together. Anyway, Running Girl and Wine Buddy have both noticed but have understood when I decline to elaborate which is appreciated more than they'll ever know.
Funny enough the few times I have gotten away without drinking and nobody has noticed have been at a bar that caters exclusively to beer drinkers. They have over 300 different types of beers available for the choosing so if you're heading that way it goes without saying you plan to indulge in a beer, or two, or three...sometimes four...OK, I lied...at least five. So, picture this: Marcus and I are the "newlyweds" at a table of couples with newborns. There are at least 8 of us and all are drinking beer. Except me. In fact, we were asked multiple times when we were starting a family and after deflecting the question a million different times all the group had to do was look at my giant glass o' water for their answer. Sherlock and Watson they were not.
*I don't feel it's completely necessary to tell you that the names have been changed but just in case you think I have friends that go by Sherlock Holmes or Wine Buddy I want to clarify that these are not their real names.
This was an issue I knew would arise sooner or later...and in our case it was much sooner than we thought. No matter how you look at it there really isn't a time of year that doesn't involve drinking events. As it is, there is a very real cycle to our social calendar and, using today to start things off, it begins with "It's the end of summer so quick, let's have a party before cold weather sets in" events; after summer is gone the football games begin which are either watched at the game itself or in a bar on a big screen TV; once football season begins we start heading into the holidays starting with Halloween and finally ending with New Years Eve; there can be a small respite in the dead of winter unless you're a hockey fan and then, well you just never stop drinking; if you aren't a hockey fan then drinking commences with St. Patrick's day; finally, we go into the "weather's getting warmer, let's party" events, and thus the cycle continues. The only way one can really pull-off not drinking is by basically becoming a hermit and potentially ticking-off a few people in the process. I hope we haven't done that but we keep reminding ourselves that if friends are annoyed with our declines to events they will forgive us once they know our reasoning. In the meantime, for those who have invited us out and who we have accepted...well, I'm afraid we aren't fooling anybody.
The first to figure us out were two good friends who apparently are Sherlock Holmes* and Dr. Watson. Damn them and their uncanny ability to sleuth! What clued them is were three weekends in a row that I was not seen with a bottle of beer or wine glass in hand. As I recall the first weekend we saw them I had a slight inclination as to what was going on so, I did indulge in one glass of wine but that was it. Totally abnormal behavior. The second weekend we accepted an invitation to go to a wine bar in town. That was dumb. Marcus and I got there early so I could order something non-alcoholic which, of course, upon Sherlock and Watson's arrival immediately sparked curiosity because it was something different. I also tried to feign a headache that day thinking that would do the trick. I was never meant to be an actor because it didn't work. Finally, the third weekend we had friends over for game night. I had told everyone ahead of time that I couldn't drink because of medication I was on. I felt like the biggest jerk when someone made a point to say that if I were pregnant, being on medcation and thus not drinking would be a great excuse. So, after those three weekends in a row Sherlock and Watson figured us out. Though, in our defense interrogating a drunk Marcus at 4 am and getting him to officially spill the beans is not very fair. Hmpfff...
Interestingly enough, only two other girlfriends have caught on to my non-drinking and confronted me about it: Running Girl and Wine Buddy. I knew Running Girl would catch on quickly (though how quickly I never would have guessed). We'd talked about how to hide a pregnancy from our friends so many times during runs together I should have known she would figure me out first. I actually think though that it was New Mommy #1 who tipped her off. I'm fairly certain I saw the light bulb literally go off over New Mommy 1#'s head as she put two and two together. Anyway, Running Girl and Wine Buddy have both noticed but have understood when I decline to elaborate which is appreciated more than they'll ever know.
Funny enough the few times I have gotten away without drinking and nobody has noticed have been at a bar that caters exclusively to beer drinkers. They have over 300 different types of beers available for the choosing so if you're heading that way it goes without saying you plan to indulge in a beer, or two, or three...sometimes four...OK, I lied...at least five. So, picture this: Marcus and I are the "newlyweds" at a table of couples with newborns. There are at least 8 of us and all are drinking beer. Except me. In fact, we were asked multiple times when we were starting a family and after deflecting the question a million different times all the group had to do was look at my giant glass o' water for their answer. Sherlock and Watson they were not.
*I don't feel it's completely necessary to tell you that the names have been changed but just in case you think I have friends that go by Sherlock Holmes or Wine Buddy I want to clarify that these are not their real names.
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