Things I Never Want To Hear My Daughter Say Ever Again

"I want to get naked!"

'Nuff said.

Arts And Crafts Are Dumb

Let me just preface this by saying I am not a crafty person.  I try to be but the fact is I don't have extra googly eyes, pipe cleaners, or batting lying around the house all of which appear to be prerequisites before starting any arts and crafts project.  So, when I do feel like an arts and crafts project is in order for the day it takes a lot of energy out of me because I have to improvise with what I have.  Plus, like I said before, I am not a crafty person.  I feel like the World's Best Mother just on the days that I break out the crayons so actually executing a real, honest to goodness project is the frickin' Nobel Prize for Mothers in my world.

Another hindrance to arts and crafts projects are the children for which said arts and crafts projects are designed for.  Particularly my children.  Take today for instance.  I found online a cute design for a turkey using the hands and feet of the girls (not their literal hands and feet though at this point I'd say as long as they're participating who cares).  So, I take Jo first and trace her foot.  For a 1 year old she did remarkably well.  Then it's Alex's turn.  She refuses, I mean absolutely refuses to the point of tears, to let me trace her f****ing foot.  What the f***.  I don't know if she thought I was going to stab her foot with the pencil or if she thought her foot would fall off...I really don't know what was going on in her mind but, as per usual, I lost my sh*t and am now sitting here writing this post.

In my attempt to make the girl's day just a little more fun than average I have been thwarted and turned what was a pretty good day into a slightly sucky one.  So, here I am, stewing over the whole thing and finishing the project by myself.  If Alex and Jo ever say that their mom never did any fun arts and crafts projects with them I'll refer them to this post.

Let's just call it like it is.  This is MY stupid arts and crafts project.

She Didn't Start The Fire

There are definitely some differences between my parenting decisions and Marcus's.  I tend to take into account both of the girl's ages and then base my decisions on what is or is not appropriate for them.  Marcus, not so much.

For example, the conversation we just had went a little something like this:
Me (looking at potential Christmas gifts for Alexandra):  I'm getting a kick out of the fact Alex is into more "boy" type toys than "girl" toys.  Like, here's a toy firefighter set that she would think is so cool.  She loves to pretend she's a firefighter.
Marcus:  Yeah.  We should get a squirt gun so she can practice putting out fires.
Me:  *pause*  As in real fires?
Marcus:  Yeah.
Me:  *pause*  She's 2.
Marcus:  So?
Me:  Do you really think it's a good idea to teach her how to start fires?  Next thing I know she's outside setting fire to the lawn (side note: good luck with that because it's nothing but sand).
Marcus:  I'm not teaching her how to start a fire!  She isn't going to figure out how to do that!
Me:  She's no dummy, she'll figure it out quickly.  I don't think it's such a good idea to be starting fires so Alex can play fireman.
Marcus:  I don't see what the problem is.
*and scene*

I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact that my well-educated husband thinks allowing a 2 year old to practice putting out fires is a good idea, although he did agree to let it slide until she's 3.  He insists I'm being overprotective and giving Alex more intelligence credit than what is due.  I simply don't think we should be encouraging anyone to start a fire for the thrill of putting it out, especially not at the age of 2.  I'm pretty sure Sparky the Fire Dog® would be less than thrilled at this prospect.  Also, it should come as no surprise that Marcus doesn't know who Sparky the Fire Dog® is.

Drinky, Drinky Mommy

At 9:30 this morning Alexandra brought me a Miller Lite saying "Mommy needs a drink."  For a split second I thought of popping it open only because Alex was so pleased with herself for being such a thoughtful daughter and I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I decided against doing so.  I mean, I'm stressed these days but not that stressed.  I also want to clear up the fact that I do not sit around all day drinking.  Nor do I sit around all night drinking.  In fact, my alcohol consumption has decreased drastically because it takes too much energy.  Also, if I had a choice I would have gone with the Blue Moon Pumpkin Harvest over the Miller Lite.

The Accident Prone Josephine

Jo is the poster child for those stupid bumper pads you can put around coffee tables.  Actually, she would probably do well in a completely padded home.  For the third time this week Josephine has busted her lip open.  It would seem as if her face keeps getting in the way of the floor and bed frames.  This comes a week after her forehead kept hitting the corner of walls producing straight-lined bruises (twice that happened).  I really can't explain how it is she continues to maim herself in the most unlikely of scenarios other than she is her father's daughter and comes by it honestly (lest we forget the winter of 2010 when Marcus fractured his skull and broke his collar bone in a 6 week time span).

Prior to the last two weeks of injuries Josephine has already taken a nasty fall down the stairs.  That produced a goose egg, black eye, and a trip to Patient First.  Her sister has also been the cause of some accidents, most recently when Alex mowed Jo down in a should-have-seen-it-coming Radio Flyer car and ramp incident.  The product of that was road rash, a bloody upper lip, and another black eye (on the same side of the face even, her left).  The very first serious injury she received was around 6 months of age when she did a surprise leap out of her daddy's lap and over the side arm of a chair.  We kept our eye on her for the remainder of the day but she seemed fine.  There are also the numerous times Jo has either fallen down or been pushed and smacked the back of her head on the floor.  If she suffers from Alzheimer's in her old age too many blows to the head will be the root cause I'm sure.

I am a little more than concerned about what the future holds for Josephine and whether our BFFs will eventually be the ER staff if she continues down this path of toddler self-destruction.

Issues

I really do not like being a stay-at-home mom.  I dislike it greatly.  I can go so far as to say that I hate it.  I hate that day in and day out is spent changing diapers, constantly feeding bottomless pits, dealing with tantrums, and feeling like a failure when I inevitably lose my cool.  How am I supposed to be raising stellar members of society when I can barely keep it together to act as the model of one?  I can barely look at the girls sometimes because I'm either unhappy with them or severely unhappy with myself as their mother.

I hate that we live as far away from family and friends as we do.  When I'm feeling like I do today I have no one to call on to come give me a break.  I haven't made any friends down here because I just don't have it in me.

I hate that I no longer have my own source of income and have to rely on my husband to support the family.  Somewhere, in the efforts of women to become so equal amongst men we have done ourselves a huge disservice because it seems no matter which direction a woman chooses when it comes to her family life it's never good enough.  If you're a working mom you're not good enough because you aren't raising your babies and instead relying on day care and other types of care to raise your children.  If you're a stay-at-home mom you're not good enough because women should be equal in the work force and if men can work and have families so can women.  For me personally, this feminist bullsh*t has created a lot of inner turmoil and I can't imagine I'm the only one.

I am stressed, tired, and unhappy.  Something has to give.

Aftermath of Halloween 2013

So, we managed to only scar one of our children this Halloween.  That should score us a few extra parenting points, right?  Alexandra was more than a little intimidated by the scary masks that were showing up at our door but we convinced her they weren't "bad" guys and were actually "good" guys in disguise.  I'll let you know how that affects her little psyche in the next few years.

Josephine on the other hand seemed to struggle with the scary masks a little more.  She was visibly frightened by one of the trick-or-treaters and later, around 3:00 in the morning, was awake and screaming from what I am sure was a nightmare.  The biggest problem with Jo's screams are she could literally wake the dead and so, instead of letting it go like I normally would, I went to try and console her.  The biggest problem here is not the mixed signals I'm sending by going to her on occasion when she cries at night but rather that I'm not her daddy.  So, being that I am not the daddy the little stinker decided she was having none of that and wiggled out of my lap, making a beeline through the dark towards Marcus.

I know some of you might be wondering how I can't seem to keep a 1 year old in my lap but, let's be honest, at 3:00 in the morning I have very little fight in me and when Josephine sets her mind to something she doesn't give up and will throw all 23 pounds of her body in ways that are Hulk-like.  Needless to say all 3 of us were essentially awake for the rest of the night as we went from Josephine trying to get comfortable in our bed to me trying to get Josephine to go back to sleep in her own bed.  Trying to share a bed with a baby is just pure insanity and the only way it might be conceivable is if the entire room were a mattress.

Anyway, this is all to say that Josephine will probably live the rest of her life in constant fear of Halloween and...hold everything.  24 hours later and Alexandra just woke up crying and screaming.  I don't think even Freud could handle this one.  Marcus and Lauren = 0, Parenting = 2.