Grievances

There are some things pregnant women claim during their pregnancy that I just can't help but roll my eyes at.  Actually, scratch that.  There are a lot of things pregnant women claim that I roll my eyes at.  Clumsiness, “baby brain,” and “the baby doesn’t like that food” are at the top of my list.

If I trip over the sidewalk because a tree root has started pushing up the concrete it's not because I'm pregnant and hence have a propensity to be clumsy.  It's because I wasn't paying attention and, as is usual, was shuffling my feet and tripped.  If I almost drop a box it's not because the little entity growing inside of me willed it so it's because I almost flat-out dropped the box.  Especially at this stage in pregnancy where my belly is almost as flat as the day I found out I was pregnant there really is no merit in claiming the baby is making my clumsy.  The only way I can concede that this excuse will work is when the belly is protruding farther than it ever has before and at that time it’s more of a getting used to it factor and less of the “baby did it.”

The so called "baby brain" is another pet peeve.  Please, accept the fact that you can't remember something whether it's a word or what the very last topic of conversation you were just having.  The baby is not controlling you.  Though the baby is essentially a little parasite growing inside your body it is not a little man controlling your very thoughts and emotions.

If a pregnant woman eats something that later disagrees with her it's not because the baby didn't like it.  Considering the jury is still out as to when a fetus gains consciousness it's highly doubtful that the fetus has developed a sense of taste.  A fetus cannot tell the difference between a gourmet meal or a Domino’s pizza.  Now, a woman’s body might reject a certain type of food.  Let’s be honest, if you're eating a spicy dish for the first time in your life it's probably not going to sit well, man or woman, pregnant or not pregnant.  It happens.

While I find pregnant women endearing they are annoying all at the same time.  Yes, it is amazing what a woman goes through to produce a miniature version of herself and her partner but let's stop placing the blame on a being that is roughly the size of your hand and weighs as much as a feather.  There will be plenty of time for that later.

Quick Update

I realized it's been almost 20 days since my last post so I just wanted to write something quickly before sitting down and writing something a little more meaningful.

Marcus and I went to the lastest doctor's appointment together on 19 October.  It was a very quick and routine check-up (peeing in a cup...which I have determined will be on the agenda for the next 5 months, weight...no weight gain, and blood letting). We heard the heartbeat (Marcus hearing it for the first time) accompanied with baby kicks (that's when his eyes got really big).  In my mind I pictured a baby doing karate chops and high kicks for such was the sound...*swish, hiyah!*  We set-up our 20 week ultrasound date for mid-November though it was tough because Marcus will be in Japan for about 10 days.  This is a big one that we don't want him to miss so we'll be going right after he gets home.  With any luck the baby will keep his or her legs closed.

Clothes are starting to not fit as well and all I really want to wear are leggings with baggy sweatshirts.  I'm at that stage where I look more plump than usual as opposed to a full-on baby bump...so, that's a drag especially with Halloween this Saturday.  Much to Marcus' chagrin I will not be dressing in the customary slutty costume this year and he'll be lucky if I can pull it off next year.

Which leads me to my next topic of discussion for another post:  Maternity clothes.  Hate them or really hate them?  I'll be the judge.

A List Of Things I Will Not Do

Therefore, Marcus will have to take over the following:

1.  Take a baby's temperature rectally.
2.  If the baby is a boy and he is circumcised I do believe it will be Marcus' job to take care of that area.  He's most familiar with it anyway.
3.  Anything to do with scabs or things falling off, i.e. umbilical cord "stumps" and aforementioned circumcised scabs.
4.  Trimming of the baby's fingernails.  There will be plenty of time in the future for me to make the baby cry.  Let’s allow Marcus to have a shot first.
5.  Sucking stuff out of anywhere, be it nostrils, throats, etc.  (Updated 21-OCT-2010)
6.  Changing diapers that are oozing.  (Updated 21-OCT-2010)
7.  Cleaning-up vomit unless of course I want to clean up my own vomit also.  (Updated 21-OCT-2010)

*Again, this is an on-going list.  As I learn of other less-than-desirable aspects of caring for a baby I will add to it.

Guess What Pregnant Women Can Do At Busch Gardens?

Nothing.

This past weekend we went to Busch Gardens in Williamsburg, VA for their annual Howl-o-Scream event. The entire park is transformed with ghouls and goblins lurking around every corner. Each country has a different theme in scariness, i.e. England had ravens and strange men and women lurking around wearing completely black masks, Germany had vampires, and French-Canada had men with chainsaws (in keeping with the logger theme, I suppose). Throughout the park are various haunted houses and trails with a rating from 1 to 5 pumpkins, 5 being the scariest. After 6:00 pm all but one of the haunted houses has a 5 pumpkin rating. They also have a warning sign posted at the beginning of each that basically excludes the following people: those with heart conditions, asthma (the use of fog), seizures (the use of strobe lights), and pregnant women…because it would seem pregnant women are in the same category as an older gentleman with a pace maker.

It also should be noted that nearly every single ride warns pregnant women they should not get on said ride.  So, for $60 I had the pleasure of walking around a park for 7 hours and enjoyed an exhilarating 15 minute ferry ride, a raucous 10 minute train ride, and the pièce de résistance, a turn on the carousel. In case you were wondering I got the pretty white horse and Marcus had to ride the ugly brown horse. I think the only people who might get the importance of being able to ride the pretty horse are the women who remember as little girls anxiously waiting as the carousel comes to a stop and then bolting to the horse they picked out only to discover someone else had that particular horse in their sight.  Not this time, suckers!  I may be pregnant but I'm not that pregnant.  I can still run.

In the end my consolation prize for being a good sport during the trip (read: couldn’t ride any rides, drink any of the delicious Anheuser-Busch products, or have the crap scared out of me) was an additional $20 for a picture with one of Busch Garden’s famed Clydesdale horses. Any other time I definitely would not have been able to convince Marcus that this was a good idea. The way he looked at it was any other time I would be drinking well over $20 in delicious Anheuser-Busch products, so he looked at this as a savings. Maybe we can put that little bit I saved towards something for the baby?

Can I keep him?!