Stats

Here is what I'm working with people.  I weighed 8.73 pounds at birth.  Marcus' weight is unknown as of today but what is known is he was 3 weeks late.  I think I can safely, and without a trace of irony say, F. M. L.

OMG! I Can't Wait To Have Morning Sickness!

Have you ever logged into a pregnancy forum on the Internet? I’m going to assume 99.9% of you reading this never have. Admittedly, I have logged into such a site and, in fact, joined one a few weeks ago. My reasoning for doing so was simply if I wanted advice I needed a place to get it...unsolicited mind you. After about a week of reading some of the posts other women make I’m beginning to regret that decision. For starters, joining this particular forum made me realize a few things about myself. I am not a “girly-girl” and I am definitely not an overly ecstatic pregnant woman. I liken myself more to the character Kane in Aliens whenever I think of a little being growing in my stomach. Or, if you’re more of a Spaceballs fan, think of the scene where the alien bursts out of the guy’s chest and starts dancing on the counter…that was funny.  Either way, you get my point.  The thought of one day looking down at my stomach to see a little foot protruding out is not something that makes me squeal with delight.  Rather, it makes me want to be sick and sends shivers down my spine.

I’ve fretted over how non-squealy my reaction to being pregnant was/is. Is my dour, somber attitude going to affect my baby in the end? Will he or she be a really boring adult with no sense of humor?  Will they be so miserably depressed because mommy wasn't excited to be pregnant? Being a child of mine and me a child of my father’s I doubt this to be the case but one never knows. The only time I feel overly emotional about carrying a child is when I think of how it has to come out into this world, which is with pain and/or pain neither of which sound like fun to me. (Which leads me to an off-topic question. Why, oh why, can't they knock my ass out?!  Why can't I just wake up and have a baby in my arms without knowing the pain I went through. I mean, if you get the epidural, which you better believe I will be getting, you're already half-way there.  Why not go all the way?)
I digress.

Getting back to where I began, naturally as a non girly-girl I really can’t stand those who are girly-girls and ecstatically squeal over the thought of pushing a “watermelon out of a lemon” (someone else’s words not mine…can’t remember where that line came from). Therefore joining a pregnancy forum really wasn’t the best idea. The worst part about it though is it’s like a train wreck. I can’t stop going back day after day and reading some of the things these women post. When they aren’t abusing the privilege of made-up acronyms such as “DD” (Darling Daughter) or “BFP” (Big Fat Positive, in regards to pregnancy tests) they’re sharing more information than is really necessary and, if you've ever wondered what morning sickness is like, these women will induce vomitting.

The forums have also made me wonder if a lot of pregnant women are fakers. Not fakers as in they're faking a pregnancy but fakers as in the symptoms they claim are fake. A woman who states that she found out she was pregnant and two hours later is vomiting into the toilet (the apparently oh so coveted and long awaited “morning sickness,” something I have yet to experience) makes me question whether or not the symptom is real or psychosomatic. This is also reinforced by the fact that morning sickness is not considered a symptom of pregnancy in other cultures nor do scientists have a grasp on exactly what it is that causes it.

I can’t say I blame the women. Once people begin to find out you're pregnant they immediately question how you feel, etc. After a while one might start to develop “symptoms” because in their mind that's the way it's supposed to be. The whole situation reminds me a bit of when Marcus and I got married. The day had been perfect until the exact moment I was supposed to walk down the aisle of our outdoor wedding; a quick, summer storm came rolling through. I could see the sunlight over the clouds and I knew it wasn’t going to last very long and I just knew no matter what we were going to get married outside. The women around me, bless their hearts, were frantic. I can only assume they had dealt with brides of a less calm nature (that’s code for “bitches”), and as such I felt like a 5 year old being coddled when the parents bring home the new baby. “Oh, don't worry, rain on your wedding day is good luck!  I just know there will be a rainbow after this! It’s going to be just fine! etc, etc, etc.” At one point I even thought to myself, “Holy crap ladies, you're the ones freaking out, not me!"  I also thought I could try and milk the situation but determined a "fainting spell" would be going a little overboard.

The point I’m trying to make is when others start assuming you feel a certain way it’s hard not to think to yourself that you do feel that way. As it is I’m coming up to 9 weeks and the only symptom I’ve experienced so far is I can give Pamela Anderson a run for her money and all without the addition of silicone.  Oh, and I've decided I will be milking this situation...a lot...and no pun intended with the whole mention of Pam Anderson and "milk."  Your mind might not have gone there but mine did.

So, We Took A Test...

For a few years now friends and family have asked why I don't keep a blog.  They've read some other, smaller things I've written and it would appear I have a knack to entertain.  I had no real reason to keep a blog except for the occasional funny happening, like the time I went running in my fancy new running skirt and managed to flash anyone who dared look my way (it was windy!).  For a while I mulled over the possibility of writing about the first year of marriage.  Who doesn't want to read about the trials and tribulations of newlyweds?  However, other than the occasional one-liners that I think are worthy of any sitcom on television we really do lead a mundane existence.  Of course by "we" I mean Marcus, my husband, me, and Lasagna the cat (I'm fairly certain the cat leads a more exciting life than we do...and her world is a whooping 3,000 square feet).

However mundane I thought our existence was everything changed about a month ago when our little world went topsy-turvy.  And by topsy-turvy I mean it went completely upside down.  And by completely upside down I mean we found out we were expecting our first baby.

As it turns out our parents were right.  When you put your mind to something you really can achieve greatness.  Since about March we had decided not to prevent any possible spawns but we also knew our odds of actually conceiving were slim unless we paid attention to those all important "good days."  Then, in July, Marcus suggested we actually try.  So we did.  And well, it did.  So, here we are.  It's 8 weeks into the rest of our lives and things don't seem too different yet.  Well, other than my insistence that I'm pampered 24/7, that ice cream does constitute as dairy, and my new-found ability to turn the waterworks on at the snap of a finger, or in my case old, 80s movies.  I mean really, Back to the Future is not nor ever will be a tear-jerker...that is until you're pregnant.

So, I think this is where I'll sign-off but before I do so I just want to mention that if you're looking for a "Oh, look at me, I'm pregnant and special because I'm the only woman on earth who has ever given birth" blog then you're at the wrong place.  If you're looking for a "Oh, look at me I was cynical and sarcastic before I got pregnant so let's multiply those character traits by infinity" blog then welcome home.