Fernando

It is a gorgeous day on the beach.  The sun is shining as a light breeze caresses the palm trees.  The aqua ocean stretches as far as the eye can see and practically melds into the cloudless sky.  I take a deep breath and lay back in the chaise lounge.  I glance over the top of my sunglasses and see Fernando, the lithe, 20-something, Brazilian underwear model approaching with my pina coloda and bowl of grapes.  "Fernando," I say "Peel my grapes before feeding them to me this time.  I can't stand grape skin."  I close my eyes and relax as Fernando leans over me and one by one peels each grape and pops them in my mouth.  "Fernando, what is that smell?  Why am I smelling peanut butter?  What happened to the coconut oil I asked you to wear?"  I open my eyes expecting to see the lithe, 20-something, Brazilian underwear model named Fernando but instead I see the lithe, almost 2-something toddler Alexandra.  She is covered in peanut butter and jelly and instead of feeding me grapes she is systematically shoving goldfish down my throat.

And scene.

Changes

Please don't call Child Protective Services on me for what I'm about to say.  I can guarantee you that I would never physically harm my children.  I've come to realize that being a parent is loving your child with such intensity that you would die for them yet at the same time you feel like you could kill them at any moment.  In the end someone is dying and more than likely it's you because most of us are sane and wouldn't actually harm our children.  Or, maybe it's a little bit of your previous self that dies every day after having children and therefore less of a literal death.

Take me for instance.  I look in the mirror and wonder where the knock-out blonde from just a few short years ago has gone.  In her place is a brunette (recently dyed) who could care less what she looks like.  In a way it's sort of liberating not feeling like I have to dress to impress and no longer do I feel it necessary to wear a full face of make-up and cute outfit because "you never know who you might run into" when running errands.  If I've even made it into anything that doesn't remotely resemble sweatpants it's a good day.  If I put in my contact lenses it's an even better day.  And if I'm wearing make-up then there must be something really special taking place that day.  If I get to take a shower in the morning as opposed to the evening after the kids have gone to bed then I'm calling it a day because it doesn't get much better than that.  I suppose it's a good thing that my priorities have changed.  There are a few things I don't really miss like drinking my face off every weekend but I have to admit...I miss me.  The me I mentioned above.  The me who did care about what she looked like and wouldn't be caught dead with her glasses on and no make-up in public.  I like to think this is just a phase and as soon as I, and the girls, are more adjusted I'll find myself again.  Until then I'll be the one wearing pajama jeans and glasses at your local Wal-Mart.

Chunky Monkey

Our chunky monkey, aka JoJo, is 3 months old but we both feel like she's been here for longer she's such an integral part of the family.  At her check-up the other day she weighed 14 pounds 3 ounces and was 25 inches long.  I can't believe how big she is already!  For the most part she was very pleasant at the doctor's office.  She even gave the doctor a smile as she pressed on her herniated belly button to feel for the size of the defect.  However, the minute the doctor flipped JoJo onto her belly all hell broke loose.  JoJo was so desperate to escape the clutches of her perceived enemy that she was doing a commando crawl across the examination bed.  Of course this didn't help her in any way but the rest of us got a good laugh at her expense.  JoJo has also started reaching for toys and using her little fists to bat at them which is fun to watch.

Alex definitely loves her little sister though she can be jealous of her at times.  For the most part though Alex makes sure JoJo gets kisses all of the time and has even started to play with her a little more...though this mostly involves lying down next to her or sitting next to her since JoJo is still kind of just a little blob of a person.  It will be an exciting day when the two girls can play together.  JoJo is also very interested in Alex and watches most everything she does with great curiosity.  About a month ago I noticed JoJo noticing Alex for the first time which was so cute.  She just looked up at her smiling as if to say "Hey!  I recognize you!"

That's it for now.  I just wanted to give a little update on Miss Josephine.  She's blossoming into the happiest baby who is even letting us sleep, God bless her.

Must. Have. Caffeine/Alcohol

Little JoJo was baptized a week ago.  It was all a rather uneventful event though Jo cried almost the whole time and Alex took advantage of no parental supervision to walk up and down the center aisle sizing up her fellow parishioners.  Imagine a little blonde baby casually strolling the aisle and peering into each pew as if she's trying to determine whether this would be the pew for her to hang out in.  Imagine me, trying so hard not to laugh I'm crying, and wondering why one of the three sets of grandparents doesn't grab her.  Either way, we're lucky to attend such a wonderful church that nobody seemed bothered by her curiosity.  Of course, Marcus and I both question how much longer Alex will be able to get away with such shenanigans before people start to label her as out of control and us as poor parents.  I'm hoping for a few more years because as of this very moment there isn't much Alex will listen to unless it involves food and even then you may not get the desired response.

She's in the middle of the "terrible twos" though they started months ago.  I hate to admit it but she's absolutely frustrating on a day to day basis.  I'll be the first to admit Alex is me in a miniature version.  She has my personality and my quick temper.  Put the two of us together and add a bad mood on either of our parts and there is surely trouble at hand.  Our relationship is nothing short of bipolar.  Our good days are marvelously good but our bad days are by far the worst day of our lives.  I love her to death but Lord help me...there are days that I question why the f*** we decided to have children.

Marcus informed me the other day that he's given up alcohol and caffeine for the New Year.  My jaw dropped.  "But, how could you possibly do that?" I questioned.  He didn't really have a good answer for why he decided to do it but I can tell you this: Without the promise of a cup (or five) of coffee in the morning and a glass (or ten) of wine at the end of the day I wouldn't have much reason to live as the situation currently stands.  I don't believe the women who claim being a stay at home mom is the best "job" they've ever had.  I call bullsh*t on that one because I can tell you, the best job I ever had was the one I just gave up and it didn't involve fighting with a two year old (and losing) or changing diapers 100 times a day.  I'm sure I'll grow accustomed to this new found way of life but until then I'll continue my caffeine and ever increasing alcohol addiction thankyouverymuch.         

The Ladies

After my depressing post yesterday I thought I'd follow it up with updates on the ladies.  Jo is getting bigger and bigger every day!  She's fitting comfortably in Carter's brand size 6 months which is just crazy since Alex was always so behind in her sizing.  I don't know what to do with this chunkster except squeeze her cheeks and love on her constantly.  She eats like a champ and has the body to prove it.  Last night she slept for 7 hours straight which was great.  The not so great part is she's sleeping in our bed so we have to transition her out sooner rather than later.  I'm going to hate that.  She's so adorable to wake-up to every morning and I'm going to miss snuggling up next to her.  We always put her right in the middle of the bed but over the course of the night she wiggles her way closer to me and we end up head to head by the morning.  She's been such a great baby and the few weeks of fusiness we went through seem to be over.  Jo's only real issue is she has a herniated belly button which looks worse than it is.  Other than that she has such excellent head control it surprised the pediatrician and her legs are so strong she can "stand" for a few seconds (while we hold her of course).  Jo even started smiling around 6 weeks and since then has been interactive with us, smiling and cooing and generally just being a happy baby.  Marcus and I both agree that she seems to be slightly more ahead of where Alex was developmentally.

Alex is slowly adjusting to her new role as big sister and no longer numero uno in the Tepaske world.  This is not to say that she's completely adjusted and there are not daily temper tantrums/meltdowns but I attribute that more to her age than anything else.  She also has all four molars popping up plus a few extra teeth in the front to that's certainly not helping her attitude.  Her vocabulary has increased dramatically over the last few months and, for the most part, I can understand what she's saying.  There are a few times I have no clue and just nod and smile.  I'm probably agreeing to her having a car at the age of 2 or something.  Alex is also starting to play more by herself and do make believe.  I'm not sure what's going on in that mind when she's feeding the snowman but he must have looked hungry.  Ever since Jo's arrival she's also really taken to her baby doll and cannot go to sleep without her.

Both girls keep me on my toes and the saying "there's no rest for the weary" is my life right now.  I'm trying very hard to enjoy every second and remind myself of how lucky we are to have two beautiful, healthy girls.  Every day is a trial in patience and unfortunately I'm not very good at it.  Maybe with time it will get easier as the girls get older.  Ahahahahahahahaha!

The ladies at Thanksgiving

Honesty

For those who are not aware we are moving to Jacksonville, North Carolina in just a few short weeks.  Marcus accepted a job with the USMC and so the Tepaske Tribe is uprooting and moving down south.  I always said I never wanted to move north of the Mason-Dixon Line (for no real reason other than it gets progressively colder and colder the farther north you get) and so I guess in that regards this is my wish come true.  Except, it isn't.  Now that we are moving I realize how much I do not want to move.  The whole thought is making me miserable.  It's not the only thing making me miserable but it's certainly at the top of the list.

Almost in line with the move and what's making me miserable is my everyday life.  I'm going to be perfectly honest here:  I have serious doubts on a daily basis that I'm a. cut-out to be a mom and, b. cut-out to be a stay-at-home mom.  Every day I wake-up and blink and it's the end of the day.  I don't know what I've done except both kids are fed and semi-clean.  That's not to say that everyone made it through the day without one or two breakdowns (myself included) but at least we're all safe.  Short of just making it through the day I cannot even begin to fathom trying to fit more than eating, pooping, and sleeping into the day.  As I type this I begin to realize I've fallen into some sort of depression.  Maybe I didn't escape the baby blues with JoJo like I thought I had and maybe it's just now beginning to rear it's ugly head. 

I'm sure there are a lot of things contributing to this feeling of depression and almost constantly feeling like on the verge of tears.  The upcoming move, taking on the role of stay-at-home mom, and having a new baby are just the tip of the icerberg.  As callous as this may sound I realized today that I have an inkling of understanding for women who abandon their families.  As a woman we're expected to change and become different people for our families and everyone else gets to stay the same.  It's an expectation placed on us by others as well as ourselves and unless you're filthy rich and can hire someone to take your place as mother and wife then you're stuck feeling like just a portion of the person you used to be.  I used to be fun and witty and enjoyed actually going out and doing things.  Now, I feel like I struggle to identify with others and the thought of having to actually get dressed to leave the house is daunting.  Maybe I'll feel better as we all settle into our new roles in North Carolina but right now, at this exact moment, I'm not looking forward to the future.

I'm Back!

It's been a while, I know.  I apologize.  I'm sure you all will understand that my time has been consumed by poop, spit-up, and crying.  And then of course there is Alexandra and Josephine to take care of as well.  So, in all there has been little time left for writing blog posts.

Alex has only been out of daycare for less than two weeks and my official start as a stay-at-home has barely begun and I'm pretty sure I'm already an alcoholic.  This is mostly because the minute either Alex or Jo Jo wakes up I wonder when I can start drinking.  Don't be surprised if one day, in the not so distant future, you find me silently weeping on the bathroom floor chugging mouth wash because I've already consumed all of the booze in the house.

I have made a few discoveries over the course of these last few weeks.  First of all, I've noticed that toddlers have an uncanny way of being exactly where you don't want them to be.  For example, Jo Jo can be sleeping in her chair in the middle of the wide open kitchen floor and Alex will undoubtedly knock into her and wake her up, forcing me to restart the grueling process of getting Jo back to sleep.  Similar to this is the toddler's ability to walk through the pile of dirt you just painstakingly swept for the last 15 minutes.  A second toddler oriented observation is the fact that they constantly step on your feet.  No matter how far away I try to move my feet from Alex she finds a way to step on the most delicate part of my foot, right on top of the foot where there's little skin and all bone. I could be sitting cross legged and she would find a way to step on them.

A third observation is a self observation.  I have no energy left in me to fight anything.  For example, at this very moment I'm watching Alex carry around a gift bag which she is using to tote around a 3 hour old apple slice and piece of toast.  Every now and then she reaches in and takes a bite of one or the other and I don't care.  I also don't care that I can currently feel the air on my butt crack because my pants fit so horribly.

Well, that's it for now.  Alex has just spit out chunks of the apple she was eating and the baby has poop up her back and I think I hear that wine bottle calling my name.