Daycare

My baby is in daycare now and I hate it.  I despise it.  I loathe it.  I f-ing can't stand it.  She deserves so much better.  What she deserves is her mom being the one to hold her, and feed her, and teach her new things.

I don't know why dropping her off in the morning seems easier than picking her up.  You would think that after picking her up in the afternoon I feel more cheerful but it's the exact opposite.  I suppose I'm able to block out what I'm doing since I'm always running late for work and have my mind on other things.  But after I've picked her up and we're on our way home I feel like crying.  I become morose and sullen and feel the tears burning in the back of my eyes.

For the most part she seems quite content with her new situation.  On her first day we walked in and she was cooing and oohing at the bright, cheery lights, and flurry of activity.   When I left she barely batted an eyelash as she was quite enthralled with all of the other little people her size.  I made my way to work that morning, choking back tears, and spent the rest of the day trying not to think about where she was.  At the end of the day, though, my thoughts turned to her and it seemed like an eternity between the two of us.  I thought of all the possible routes to take but regardless of which direction I chose it would still take 40 minutes to get to her.  Once there, I found her sitting in a crusty swing with a crusty bib wrapped around her neck.  Her chin was broken-out in a rash which I later discovered was due to her use of a pacifier (unusual considering she never uses a pacifier at home).  I could see the dried tears at the corners of her eyes and my heart dropped, breaking into more pieces than I thought possible.

I knew that when we decided to put her in daycare she would be exposed to new things and people.  I knew that there would only be so many hands to attend to all of the babies and I knew they would do the best they could.  I knew it was going to be harder for me to adjust than it would for her.  I just never knew I would despise this decision with every fiber of my being.