It's been a while, I know. I apologize. I'm sure you all will understand that my time has been consumed by poop, spit-up, and crying. And then of course there is Alexandra and Josephine to take care of as well. So, in all there has been little time left for writing blog posts.
Alex has only been out of daycare for less than two weeks and my
official start as a stay-at-home has barely begun and I'm pretty sure
I'm already an alcoholic. This is mostly because the minute either Alex or Jo Jo wakes up I wonder when I can start drinking. Don't be surprised if one day, in the not so distant future, you find me silently weeping
on the bathroom floor chugging mouth wash because I've already
consumed all of the booze in the house.
I have made a few discoveries over the course of these last few weeks. First of all, I've noticed that toddlers have an uncanny way of being exactly where you don't want them to be. For example, Jo Jo can be sleeping in her chair in the middle of the wide open kitchen floor and Alex will undoubtedly knock into her and wake her up, forcing me to restart the grueling process of getting Jo back to sleep. Similar to this is the toddler's ability to walk through the pile of dirt you just painstakingly swept for the last 15 minutes. A second toddler oriented observation is the fact that they constantly step on your feet. No matter how far away I try to move my feet from Alex she finds a way to step on the most delicate part of my foot, right on top of the foot where there's little skin and all bone. I could be sitting cross legged and she would find a way to step on them.
A third observation is a self observation. I have no energy left in me to fight anything. For example, at this very moment I'm watching Alex carry around a gift bag which she is using to tote around a 3 hour old apple slice and piece of toast. Every now and then she reaches in and takes a bite of one or the other and I don't care. I also don't care that I can currently feel the air on my butt crack because my pants fit so horribly.
Well, that's it for now. Alex has just spit out chunks of the apple she was eating and the baby has poop up her back and I think I hear that wine bottle calling my name.
Monday, November 26, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
She's Here!
So...you know how people will say something then follow it up with "famous last words?" I should have written "famous last words" at the end of my last post. It turns out I was going to have a baby it's just that she was waiting for her exact cue to arrive. She's very punctual this one. Again, I won't go into the nitty gritty details but just know this is a post about giving birth. I may say things that make you uncomfortable. I can guarantee you it won't be nearly as uncomfortable as I found myself at just about this time a week ago.
Marcus and I went to bed on time last Tuesday, about 10:00. I couldn't fall asleep because the baby was kicking and going nuts and not allowing me any reprieve from the movement. At about 11:00 I started feeling cramps. My first thought was I had to use the bathroom. However, after about 15 minutes passed I had another cramp and I realized it was more of a wave than of a constant crampiness. So, after about 45 minutes of off and on crampiness I woke Marcus up and told him we should probably call my mom. He was wide awake although he later confessed he thought it was 6:00 in the morning he was already sleeping that hard. Lucky.
So, we called my mom and she got to the house and we left for the hospital which this time was a mere 5 minute drive away. By this time I knew for sure I was experiencing labor pains, I was just hoping it was enough for them to keep me at the hospital. Famous last words. We got the hospital at 1 in the morning and went through the ER where they insisted on wheeling me up to Labor and Delivery because not but an hour earlier another pregnant lady had arrived at the ER and never made it to Labor and Delivery before delivering her baby. We got to L&D and they checked me into triage where they determined I was 5 cm dilated. Much better from the morning's prognosis of 2.5. After a while they got me into a room where things quickly progressed.
The contractions were long, hard, and just about back-to-back; much worse than with Alex. I opted to go without an epidural figuring I did it last time why couldn't I do it this time? I'm not saying I would have done anything different this time around but there were definitely moments where I thought "Why the f*** am I not getting an epidural?!" The nurse checked on me a few times and the last time she walked out of the room she said if my water were to break or if I felt the need to push call her. I swear it was five minutes later and I felt the need to push.
So, I'll leave it there but I do want to mention poor Marcus was thrust into the role of holding a leg where he got to witness first-hand the birth of his new baby. Everyone was very concerned when Marcus suddenly asked for apple juice and he was practically forced to sit down. He eventually made his way back to my head where he stayed until it was over.
At 3:10 AM, a mere four hours from start to finish, we welcomed our new baby into the world. Everyone in the room was excited to see who it was (apparently nobody waits to find out the sex these days) and Marcus announced to the room that the baby was a girl! Both of us were stunned. For whatever reason we felt certain this baby would be a boy. Instead, she was a healthy, beautiful girl whom we named Jospehine Margaret. She weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and was 19.5" long at birth. I'm pretty sure she's already doubled in size just a week later based on how much she's eating. So, there you have it. My very normal, 40 week long pregnancy followed by a very normal delivery which resulted in a fabulous baby girl. We're all happy to be home and settling in though some of us are a little crankier than others (*ahem* Alex). That's another post for another day.
Marcus and I went to bed on time last Tuesday, about 10:00. I couldn't fall asleep because the baby was kicking and going nuts and not allowing me any reprieve from the movement. At about 11:00 I started feeling cramps. My first thought was I had to use the bathroom. However, after about 15 minutes passed I had another cramp and I realized it was more of a wave than of a constant crampiness. So, after about 45 minutes of off and on crampiness I woke Marcus up and told him we should probably call my mom. He was wide awake although he later confessed he thought it was 6:00 in the morning he was already sleeping that hard. Lucky.
So, we called my mom and she got to the house and we left for the hospital which this time was a mere 5 minute drive away. By this time I knew for sure I was experiencing labor pains, I was just hoping it was enough for them to keep me at the hospital. Famous last words. We got the hospital at 1 in the morning and went through the ER where they insisted on wheeling me up to Labor and Delivery because not but an hour earlier another pregnant lady had arrived at the ER and never made it to Labor and Delivery before delivering her baby. We got to L&D and they checked me into triage where they determined I was 5 cm dilated. Much better from the morning's prognosis of 2.5. After a while they got me into a room where things quickly progressed.
The contractions were long, hard, and just about back-to-back; much worse than with Alex. I opted to go without an epidural figuring I did it last time why couldn't I do it this time? I'm not saying I would have done anything different this time around but there were definitely moments where I thought "Why the f*** am I not getting an epidural?!" The nurse checked on me a few times and the last time she walked out of the room she said if my water were to break or if I felt the need to push call her. I swear it was five minutes later and I felt the need to push.
So, I'll leave it there but I do want to mention poor Marcus was thrust into the role of holding a leg where he got to witness first-hand the birth of his new baby. Everyone was very concerned when Marcus suddenly asked for apple juice and he was practically forced to sit down. He eventually made his way back to my head where he stayed until it was over.
At 3:10 AM, a mere four hours from start to finish, we welcomed our new baby into the world. Everyone in the room was excited to see who it was (apparently nobody waits to find out the sex these days) and Marcus announced to the room that the baby was a girl! Both of us were stunned. For whatever reason we felt certain this baby would be a boy. Instead, she was a healthy, beautiful girl whom we named Jospehine Margaret. She weighed 8 pounds 3 ounces and was 19.5" long at birth. I'm pretty sure she's already doubled in size just a week later based on how much she's eating. So, there you have it. My very normal, 40 week long pregnancy followed by a very normal delivery which resulted in a fabulous baby girl. We're all happy to be home and settling in though some of us are a little crankier than others (*ahem* Alex). That's another post for another day.
 |
| Our new bundle fresh outta the womb |
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
No. The Baby Has Not Been Born. STFU
Tomorrow is my official due date and as of this morning ain't nothing happening. To everyone who has so helpfully offered advice on how to get this baby out let me first extend a heartfelt "thank you." As I have only been pregnant one other time before this I was not aware of all the tricks of the trade, if you will, to help the labor process get started. I would think it doesn't really need to be said but trust me when I say, there is nobody in the world who wants more than I do for this baby to be born. None of the tricks you are proposing are new to me nor do they interest me because I think they're all a bunch of crap. First of all, let me state right off the bat that I will not be having sex to induce labor. Labor is less labor than trying to have sex right now. So, let's just all agree to drop that suggestion. Second, other labor inducing old wives solutions such as eating spicy food, eating pineapple, and going for walks are all things that a pregnant woman could be doing at any second when her labor begins. Statistically speaking, there are so many pregnant women in the world that the odds are very, very high that she may be doing one of the aforementioned things and thus the myth of a new labor inducing method is born (ha, no pun intended). Therefore, unless there has been a scientific study conducted proving the benefits of those labor inducing methods I refuse to believe they actually work. Plus, on Saturday I went for the longest walk of my life and the only thing it did was make me feel like I ran a marathon the next day and the only thing I wanted to do was sleep. So, at this moment in time if everyone could exhibit some modicum of patience that would be great. Otherwise, I will probably not tell you when the baby is born. Thank you.
Tuesday, October 2, 2012
Breaking News
This just in. We have confirmed that Lauren is going to be pregnant for the rest of her life. Details at 11.
The Details:
We just got back from our doctor's appointment this morning and as the doctor walked in he said "So, remember how you were worried about premature labor? I don't think we have to worry about that anymore." Funny guy, this doc. Now he gets a personality. Sheesh.
Anyway, other than another .5 centimeter dilation nothing is going on down yonder. What is going on is I'm continuing to gain weight though the best nurse in the world tells me it's simply from swelling at this point. She tells me this over the laughter than can be heard from the exam room as the Peanut Gallery, aka Marcus, sits in his comfy chair being skinny.
Speaking of Marcus I'd like to take a minute to address him (un)privately: Stop. I don't know when this baby will get here because it is out of my hands. And comments about how you could have gone on travel to California are stupid because, despite the fact the baby hasn't been born, the fact is it could be born. Believe me when I say that nobody, NOBODY, wants this baby here more than I do.
So, anyway. That's that. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and there are no signs of imminent labor. At some point I'll have to accept my fate but until I do I plan on continuing to b*tch and moan. Although, one good thing has come out of this and that is I finished both of my psychology courses in a record 6 weeks. It might not have been my greatest work but at least I had time to finish before the baby arrives.
The Details:
We just got back from our doctor's appointment this morning and as the doctor walked in he said "So, remember how you were worried about premature labor? I don't think we have to worry about that anymore." Funny guy, this doc. Now he gets a personality. Sheesh.
Anyway, other than another .5 centimeter dilation nothing is going on down yonder. What is going on is I'm continuing to gain weight though the best nurse in the world tells me it's simply from swelling at this point. She tells me this over the laughter than can be heard from the exam room as the Peanut Gallery, aka Marcus, sits in his comfy chair being skinny.
Speaking of Marcus I'd like to take a minute to address him (un)privately: Stop. I don't know when this baby will get here because it is out of my hands. And comments about how you could have gone on travel to California are stupid because, despite the fact the baby hasn't been born, the fact is it could be born. Believe me when I say that nobody, NOBODY, wants this baby here more than I do.
So, anyway. That's that. I'm 39 weeks pregnant and there are no signs of imminent labor. At some point I'll have to accept my fate but until I do I plan on continuing to b*tch and moan. Although, one good thing has come out of this and that is I finished both of my psychology courses in a record 6 weeks. It might not have been my greatest work but at least I had time to finish before the baby arrives.
Friday, September 28, 2012
A Positive Pregnancy Post
I've realized that I never post anything upbeat about being pregnant. I'm constantly b*tching about it and in reality there are some positive aspects to it, the end result of the baby actually being born the most positive aspect of them all, of course. So, I got to thinking about what parts of pregnancy are actually kind of nice. So, without further ado, here they are:
1. People cater to you. I've had comfy chairs procured for my enjoyment when everyone else has to sit on less comfy chairs and, in general, most everyone seems to be nicer. That or they just steer clear.
2. Free sh*t. I've been offered free bottles of water and tons of free food.
3. I bet you can't balance a bowl of ice cream on your belly while perusing the boob tube. I can.
4. Nobody looks at you funny when you have food all over yourself which, for some reason, happens a lot more frequently during pregnancy. In fact, I just removed an 18 month old hamburger grease stain from a maternity shirt the other day. It had lost it's flavor.
5. Speaking of food all over yourself, you can keep little bits of food stashed away for future consumption in your cleavage provided it isn't melty.
6. Again, on the topic of food, you can eat anything you want without question. I do have a habit of trying to justify why I crave certain things but when it comes down to it, if I want to drink the Chick-fil-A sauce straight from the container then by golly that's exactly what I'm going to do and I dare you to say something about it.
7. I can ask for something to be handed to me that is within a small radius without the other person questioning my laziness.
8. Speaking of laziness I can force my toddler into physical labor without question. Currently, she carries the cat's food dish for me, carries the soon to be not so nicely folded laundry to her room, and follows me around with the dustpan as I sweep. I am working on her bed making skills and ability to properly wash a window without the use of her tongue.
9. I can shop for clothes for myself and not hear one remark about spending money because in this particular case I really do need new clothes.
10. I can complain as loudly and for as long as I want and nobody can say anything about how whiny I am. At least not to my face.
1. People cater to you. I've had comfy chairs procured for my enjoyment when everyone else has to sit on less comfy chairs and, in general, most everyone seems to be nicer. That or they just steer clear.
2. Free sh*t. I've been offered free bottles of water and tons of free food.
3. I bet you can't balance a bowl of ice cream on your belly while perusing the boob tube. I can.
4. Nobody looks at you funny when you have food all over yourself which, for some reason, happens a lot more frequently during pregnancy. In fact, I just removed an 18 month old hamburger grease stain from a maternity shirt the other day. It had lost it's flavor.
5. Speaking of food all over yourself, you can keep little bits of food stashed away for future consumption in your cleavage provided it isn't melty.
6. Again, on the topic of food, you can eat anything you want without question. I do have a habit of trying to justify why I crave certain things but when it comes down to it, if I want to drink the Chick-fil-A sauce straight from the container then by golly that's exactly what I'm going to do and I dare you to say something about it.
7. I can ask for something to be handed to me that is within a small radius without the other person questioning my laziness.
8. Speaking of laziness I can force my toddler into physical labor without question. Currently, she carries the cat's food dish for me, carries the soon to be not so nicely folded laundry to her room, and follows me around with the dustpan as I sweep. I am working on her bed making skills and ability to properly wash a window without the use of her tongue.
9. I can shop for clothes for myself and not hear one remark about spending money because in this particular case I really do need new clothes.
10. I can complain as loudly and for as long as I want and nobody can say anything about how whiny I am. At least not to my face.
Wednesday, September 26, 2012
Make It Go Away
Hahahaha, remember that time Marcus thought it would be a good idea to have another baby and I agreed? Hahahaha, that was funny. Not really.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
How Long Do Elephants Gestate Because I'm Pretty Sure I Have Them Beat
22 months in case you're wondering. Twenty-frickin'-two months. If anyone has a right to say "FML" it's a pregnant elephant.
We had our 38 week check-up this morning and I think it's pretty safe to say I am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life. This baby is not interested in joining the rest of us. I have to admit, I'm ready for him/her to vacate the premises. As of this very moment the baby is nuzzling into my bladder and rectum all at the same time. I picture it using my bladder as a pillow and then draping it's arm over my rectum, pulling it in tighter and snuggling up for a long nap. If that isn't a feeling every woman yearns to be rid of I don't know what is.
Remember that time I compared my ballet skills to that of an elephant? I wasn't trying to be literal. I really do think that without a pregnant belly I float like a butterfly. In fact, I'd like to take it back because it seems like someone is playing a cruel joke on me and I'm not even half-way through this pregnancy. It may be time to take matters into my own hands...
We had our 38 week check-up this morning and I think it's pretty safe to say I am going to be pregnant for the rest of my life. This baby is not interested in joining the rest of us. I have to admit, I'm ready for him/her to vacate the premises. As of this very moment the baby is nuzzling into my bladder and rectum all at the same time. I picture it using my bladder as a pillow and then draping it's arm over my rectum, pulling it in tighter and snuggling up for a long nap. If that isn't a feeling every woman yearns to be rid of I don't know what is.
Remember that time I compared my ballet skills to that of an elephant? I wasn't trying to be literal. I really do think that without a pregnant belly I float like a butterfly. In fact, I'd like to take it back because it seems like someone is playing a cruel joke on me and I'm not even half-way through this pregnancy. It may be time to take matters into my own hands...
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