Frickin' College Kids

As another reminder of the fact we are surrounded by idiots or, to be more exact, college students, we were awakened last Friday to a person pounding on our front door. It didn't necessarily scare me out of my sleep but it certainly woke me up and when it registered what was going on, I got a little miffed. Marcus, who was lying next to me, calmly pulled the curtain back and watched as a few "goofy white kids" (his words) took off running towards the UMW campus. The next morning we also discovered that all of the cars parked in the street in front of the house had been tampered with as all of the side-view mirrors had been pushed in. This is what set me over the edge and I immediately vowed revenge. It's one thing for us to hear shouting and other randomness as the drunks stumble home from the bars in the middle of the night. To be honest we expect a certain amount of noise living close to a college campus and really, we've learned to drown out any extraneous noises unless it is unreasonable. But, it's a completely different thing when they start messing with, and trespassing onto, my private property with the sole intention of harassing my family and me. While Marcus brushes it off as college kids being college kids I, and about 99% of our friends, disagree. Pounding on someone's door and running away is something I would expect from a bunch of 10 year old boys whose balls haven't dropped (I'm going to be honest, I don't know when boy's balls drop and I don't really want to look it up on the Internet while at work but I'm thinking 10 is a reasonable age). College students should, and do, know better and no, Marcus's argument that I probably knew people in college who pulled this sh*t doesn't hold. If I did know anyone acting this way their targets were more than likely friends, not random families.

The problem is, how do I go about making sure they know I'm not going to put up with it anymore? I use the word "I" here because I do believe I stand alone in this crusade. A call to the police won't really do any good. I can only imagine, as the police are standing at the front door and I'm giving them a description of the "goofy white kid," Marcus emerges, behind me. "Ma'am!" they would shout, "He's right behind you! Remain calm...Sir, put your hands up where I can see them. Drop to the ground!" So, yeah. That won't work. Plus, by the time the police showed up the perps would be long gone. Other ideas have been thrown out but they're all along the lines of booby traps, a la Home Alone. Tar and feathers was a good idea but that sounds like a nightmare to clean up. Icing the front steps would be perfect if it wasn't 70 degrees outside despite it being the middle of February. Heating the front door so that it burns red-hot sounds like a huge waste of time, money, and energy and I try to be earth friendly. Pretending a party is going on all night wouldn't be too hard but I really like my sleep and I'm sure the fake-party noises would keep me up. So, in short, I really feel there is only one option left. We must get a dog. And, might I make a suggestion, because I've done a lot of research on what makes an excellent guard dog. I've heard that the French bulldog is a particularly nasty, vicious breed that was bred for maiming human beings (as evidenced in the picture below). It would be just the right dog for us and just the right message to send to those worthless college kids.

I shall name him "Puppy le Pew" and he will be feared by many.