Becoming a mother has been an intense journey for me. There were so many things I read during my pregnancy that I felt didn’t apply to me but one of the biggest was the supposed bond I was to be feeling with the baby. I’m not really sure if I felt a bond at all. I was well aware of the baby but it was rare that I talked to the baby or did anything that would indicate some great bond between us. I also read thoughts from other women who were worried they wouldn’t immediately love their baby. Typically their concerns were assuaged with guarantees that they would immediately love their baby once they held them in their arms. The moment I found myself holding Alex I looked down and thought to myself “I don’t feel overcome with emotion right now. I don’t feel like I love her as intensely as I expected.” As I looked down at her I felt like I was being forced to love her because that’s what was expected. I did love her but it felt like a halfhearted love, not an all encompassing love.
In the weeks after Alex’s birth I was less concerned for her and more concerned for myself. I was concerned for my well-being and surprised at how long it was taking to fully recover. Apart from the physical recovery I also suffered from the baby blues for a number of weeks. I kept trying to make sense about why I was feeling so sad, e.g. I was sad because I missed out on the last 5 weeks of pregnancy (ha!), sad that I wasn’t able to have the nursery exactly the way I wanted it before she arrived, etc. Eventually, it became clear that I didn’t need an excuse to be sad. I just was. We went to a birthday party shortly after Alex was born and I ran into two of my girlfriends who helped us tremendously when they heard Alex had been born so early. I was so touched by their kindness (and still am) that as I thanked them I started to cry. I remember the horrified looks of the other party goers who weren’t privy to the conversation taking place; to them I was crying for no apparent reason. A few times Marcus came home to find me crying. Looking back now I think of how tremendous a person Marcus showed himself to be. Not only was he thrust into the role of father but also caregiver of his unstable wife and he did it all with a smile on his face. It wasn’t too long after that I began to feel better both physically and mentally. Now I can easily say that I feel 100% normal aside from the lack of sleep.
Alex is now almost 12 weeks old and this journey into motherhood is starting to make sense to me. I do love her. I love her with such intensity it makes me want to cry and the intensity only grows day by day. I would do anything for her and would lay my life on the line for her. Being back at work is a source of heartache. Leaving her in the morning is so hard and when I get to work I find myself just staring at her pictures on my desk, wishing I was home. I even find myself wanting to change her diaper rather than pass her off on Marcus. If you had told me a year ago I would find myself yearning to change a baby’s diaper I would have laughed in your face while quickly downing a bottle of wine to drown out those thoughts. Now that she’s here I find myself looking forward to the future (but not too far into the future). I can’t wait to find out if she’s going to take after me and want to take ballet lessons or horseback riding lessons. Or maybe she’ll take after Marcus and love playing sports. Whichever direction she chooses later there is one thing she is already doing and that is helping me realize what my role in this world is supposed to be and that is being her mommy.
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| The kid has impeccable handwriting for one so young. |
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