Mommy Is Trying Not To Be Fat

I recently picked up my running routine.  I think I was discouraged after my performance at a recent road race.  The silly thing is, I did really well.  I beat Marcus by 5 minutes and even came in 22nd for my age group which is something I feel pretty proud about.  I was disappointed however, because I didn't beat Marcus's best time.  Oh, well.  I guess we'll go for that next year.  Anyway, long story short, I took a few weeks off and during that time ate approximately 6 bags of Cadbury mini-eggs all on my own (as I've already stated a few times, I know), had a birthday which required two chocolate cakes within a week, and various other foods that are definitely not to be consumed if one isn't doing something to offset the effects.

Therefore, Marcus and I decided that on April 1st we would start a healthy eating and workout routine again so that's where we stand.  As a result, the girls and I have been going out for a run every other day and it has reinforced my belief that running is akin to labor.  Yes, as in, childbirth.

The idea struck me during the previously mentioned road race.  Marcus had determined he was going to pace me and I was OK with that.  Until we hit about the 3rd mile and I realized I wanted to murder him.  He was running elbow to elbow with me, breathing heavily and, in general, invading my personal space.  It was all I could do not to stick my foot out and trip him just to get rid of him.  Everything he was doing, like living, was driving me crazy and I recalled the last time I felt that way was when I was in labor with both of the girls.  Luckily for both of us, Marcus called it quits shortly around the time I was plotting his demise and we're married to this day.

When I run with the girls it's the same problem.  I always wear my headphones but I keep them relatively low so I can hear the cars that might be coming up behind us.  As a result I also hear the incessant questioning from a high-pitched little voice just far enough way that I couldn't understand what she was saying even without wearing headphones.  I can tell she's asking the same question over and over and OVER again because it always has the same inflection to the tone.  After so many miles, it's like nails on a chalkboard and I cannot take it anymore.  I want it to go away but doing so would result in some pretty serious charges and that just isn't an option.

There is something to be said about having the same emotions mid-workout that one does while in labor and I wonder if any scientific research has been done to verify this theory?  Maybe if I do end up getting my Ph.D. I'll look into this conundrum... 

Mommy Isn't Fat

I had a "kids say the darndest things" moment today.  As Josephine, Alexandra, and I lounged around in bed early this morning Josephine touched my belly and said "baby."  Uh...a few thoughts entered my mind, jumbling around:  "God Almighty, I hope she's wrong...wait a minute, how does she know baby's come from mommy's tummies?...Damnit, I need to start running again...I knew I shouldn't have had those last 5 bags of Cadbury mini-eggs." 

Anyway, I don't know where she got the idea that a baby can be in a tummy.  Either she's clairvoyant (which I hope she isn't because of the social stigma) or she's pointing out that mommy is getting a little chubby.  Regardless, it couldn't have been a better boost to starting my running routine again.  Tomorrow.  If not tomorrow then definitely Friday.  Saturday at the latest.

Update, 4/6/2014:  Josephine touched Marcus's belly and said "baby" this evening.  She's not clairvoyant!

Happy Birthday To Me

Today is my 33^rd birthday and I have a few thoughts.  Things have changed.  For starters I now find myself trimming nose hairs and my light-but-totally-there mustache.  I also regularly pluck a hair or two from my neck which have grown unruly.  Today, I discovered broken blood vessels alongside my left nostril which no amount of concealer can cover.  It makes me wonder if I should cut-out alcohol altogether so as to avoid looking like a complete wino by my 40^th birthday.  Pffftttt!  After having the girls it would seem that my chest (as in ribcage, perv) has permanently expanded as have other parts that take up a wider area than before.  Although, I will say that I will not be ashamed to put on a bikini this summer provided I keep-up a workout routine and maybe stop eating multiple bags of Cadbury mini-eggs, chocolate birthday cake, and drinking glass bottles of Pepsi.  Guess which one of those was an impulse buy (and in case you’re thinking it was the six bags of Cadbury mini-eggs you would be sadly mistaken).  Anyway, things are not looking good and I can’t wait to see what will happen in the next 7 years…*long pause*

There are other aspects that aren’t so bad, relatively speaking anyway.  While most people get their Bachelor’s degree by the age of 22 I am getting mine this summer at the age of 33.  Maybe not what my parents had in mind but if you ask me I kick-ass more for doing it now than doing it earlier.  I’ve also discovered an ability to run helped along by the fact that I frequently find myself pushing 60 extra pounds of weight around.  I would say those are my two biggest accomplishments for the moment.

So, here I sit.  This year my birthday falls on a Friday and in years past that alone would have been cause for celebration.  As it is, the only thing I can possibly fathom for a fun-filled Friday birthday is to do some homework and maybe get a movie from Redbox.  So, yeah, things have changed.

Confession

Sometimes I do things that I know will upset Alexandra just so she can learn to get over it.

A Brief Glimpse Of Florida

We recently returned from a very nice family vacation in Florida.  We unintentionally took Alex to the Magic Kingdom for her 3rd birthday (unintentional because it was a last minute decision that just so happened to correspond with her birthday); ventured around some sort of aquatic preserve that thankfully we got in for free because I can't see how they can possibly justify the $12 price tag; and took the girls to the Jacksonville Zoo which was just amazing.

The house we stayed in was amazing as well and had a pool with hot tub facing the green of a golf course.  I was more than a little anxious the first day we were there when Marcus opened the sliding glass door and both girls began flitting about the outskirts of the pool.  Josephine is a proficient walker but she made me so nervous with her sometimes wobbly steps and propensity for falling.  "Marcus, isn't she making you nervous, she's making me super nervous!" I said to which he replied "If she falls in I'll go in after her."  At this point I decided it was best for my anxiety and blood pressure to go back into the house because standing around waiting for the inevitable was killing me.  And, yes, the inevitable did happen.  Not but a few minutes after walking into the house a soaking Josephine and half soaking Marcus were standing at the door asking for a towel.  At least, as Marcus's brother pointed out, Marcus did what he said he would and rescued her.  Yeah.

Another aspect of the house was the girls slept slightly farther away from us without the aid of a monitor.  We figured if anything happened we would certainly hear them crying and boy, did we.  On the second night, the entire house awoke to screams of panic:  "MOMMY!  DADDY!!  DADDY!!!!" accompanied by blood curdling screams.  Upon first waking I thought it was our nephew who is 9 months old.  Then, I thought it was Josephine at which point I was ready to completely ignore her.  Then, I thought, wow, Jo sure can enunciate "mommy" and "daddy" really well all of a sudden.  It was at that point I realized it was Alexandra.  (In my defense, it's so uncharacteristic of Alex to wake like this it truly took me by surprise...and especially in the middle of the night.)  Anyway, I imagine Marcus went through the same mental process because once he figured out it was Alex he bolted out of bed and went running.  Apparently she had either falling into/sleepwalked/we really don't know what the hell she did but she had made her way into Jo's pack-and-play which was right next to the king size bed Alex was occupying.  King size bed.  How the hell did she manage to get herself into a position that eventually found her in Jo's tiny a$$ pack-and-play?  It would be like me walking through a pair of open double doors but managing to still walk into the door jamb (or something like that).  Despite her distress, and I felt really bad when I did, but I laughed. 

Overall, the experience was great.  Alexandra, who has a propensity for going berserk (i.e. have complete, and total breakdowns at the drop of a hat) in new settings, was able to keep it in check until the last day or two of our stay.  Josephine seemed to enjoy herself and had only one or two meltdowns that I can recall.  Believe it or not, I'll call that a success! 

Curses (Rated R, Possibly NC-17 For Language)

Does anyone realize how God damn fucking hard it is not to fucking curse around kids?  Really fucking hard.  On the bright side I have been able to stop dropping the f-bomb like a mother fucking boss and now tend to say "frick" which makes me feel like the blonde chick from Scrubs.  Shit has successfully turned into "sugar" though the force with which I say it should constitute it as a curse word.  I was never really one to use the word bitch or ass so those have all but disappeared from my lexicon.  Unfortunately, however, I have picked up using some other, less desirable words like "dumb-dumb" which escapes my lips frequently.  It's not necessarily a bad word but it is mean.  I even used it with Josephine one day when she was about to launch herself off a two foot high ledge.  I did feel bad the second I said it.  Other highly frowned upon terms such as the highly despised God damn and Jesus Christ are new language developments for me and, unfortunately, frequently used in the presence of the girls though usually when they're doing something idiotic like an alligator death role as I'm smearing diaper rash cream on their ass butt.  But God damnit, does anyone know what it's like to have white diaper rash cream get everywhere because your kid is acting like a fucking dumb-dumb?  It's a fucking son-of-a-bitch to clean it up and the rest of the day is spent smelling like a medicine cabinet.  Oh, well.  Some people are absolute saints when it comes to this shit but not me.  It's too God damn hard.

Bathroom Humor

Marcus complained to me the other day about the girls barging into the bathroom while he was using the toilet and how uncomfortable it is for him when they stand on either side of the toilet and watch.  I agree, that would make for an uncomfortable moment especially because they have a habit of just standing there and staring, not blinking.  Plus, being Marcus is a dude, accurate aim is everything in this case.  However, I feel little to no sympathy.  Uncomfortable?  Trust me, you don't know uncomfortable until you've used a tampon with two extra pairs of eyes watching.  Then try and explain what a tampon is to a 3 year old by answering hard hitting questions such as "Are you going to put that in your butt?"  I don't want to hear it.