Mommy Isn't Fat

I had a "kids say the darndest things" moment today.  As Josephine, Alexandra, and I lounged around in bed early this morning Josephine touched my belly and said "baby."  Uh...a few thoughts entered my mind, jumbling around:  "God Almighty, I hope she's wrong...wait a minute, how does she know baby's come from mommy's tummies?...Damnit, I need to start running again...I knew I shouldn't have had those last 5 bags of Cadbury mini-eggs." 

Anyway, I don't know where she got the idea that a baby can be in a tummy.  Either she's clairvoyant (which I hope she isn't because of the social stigma) or she's pointing out that mommy is getting a little chubby.  Regardless, it couldn't have been a better boost to starting my running routine again.  Tomorrow.  If not tomorrow then definitely Friday.  Saturday at the latest.

Update, 4/6/2014:  Josephine touched Marcus's belly and said "baby" this evening.  She's not clairvoyant!

Things I Never Want To Hear My Daughter Say Ever Again

"I want to get naked!"

'Nuff said.

The Accident Prone Josephine

Jo is the poster child for those stupid bumper pads you can put around coffee tables.  Actually, she would probably do well in a completely padded home.  For the third time this week Josephine has busted her lip open.  It would seem as if her face keeps getting in the way of the floor and bed frames.  This comes a week after her forehead kept hitting the corner of walls producing straight-lined bruises (twice that happened).  I really can't explain how it is she continues to maim herself in the most unlikely of scenarios other than she is her father's daughter and comes by it honestly (lest we forget the winter of 2010 when Marcus fractured his skull and broke his collar bone in a 6 week time span).

Prior to the last two weeks of injuries Josephine has already taken a nasty fall down the stairs.  That produced a goose egg, black eye, and a trip to Patient First.  Her sister has also been the cause of some accidents, most recently when Alex mowed Jo down in a should-have-seen-it-coming Radio Flyer car and ramp incident.  The product of that was road rash, a bloody upper lip, and another black eye (on the same side of the face even, her left).  The very first serious injury she received was around 6 months of age when she did a surprise leap out of her daddy's lap and over the side arm of a chair.  We kept our eye on her for the remainder of the day but she seemed fine.  There are also the numerous times Jo has either fallen down or been pushed and smacked the back of her head on the floor.  If she suffers from Alzheimer's in her old age too many blows to the head will be the root cause I'm sure.

I am a little more than concerned about what the future holds for Josephine and whether our BFFs will eventually be the ER staff if she continues down this path of toddler self-destruction.

Things That Have Happened On My Watch While Marcus Is Away

While Marcus has been on travel for the last month I have been keeping my girls alive.  I'm not sure how but somehow they both are still breathing though not without their fair share of bumps and bruises and, perhaps, nicotine addictions.

Just today I was showing Alex how to hula hoop with a weighted hula hoop (the kind with water in it...for whatever reason).  She apparently was entranced by the prowess that is my hula hooping as she walked right into it, head first.  A few minutes later and I'm wondering what the heck she did to her head when I was politely reminded of that one time when I hula hooped into my daughter's face.

Last night Josephine did a full-on face plant after falling off the bed.  I went to grab her as it happened but to no avail.  It sounded painful and I'm sure it was because she did a very long silent wail before letting out the big one.

Still though, I'm not sure that's better or worse than the cigarette butt she put in her mouth tonight.  Yeah.  That happened.  On my watch.  And it was a nasty cigarette butt, too.  Not fresh, clearly been outside for a while.  After getting it away from her she shivered as the horrid taste surely hit her.

Marcus comes home in less than a week and none too soon if you ask me.  Here's hoping both girls have all appendages and various other body parts accounted for by the time he gets back.

The Handful

Josephine.  Josephine, Josephine, Josephine.  Where do I start with this one?  First off I'd just like to say that I called this a long time ago.  Josephine is turning out to be quite the handful.  This weekend gave us a brief glimpse into our future and boy, is it busy.

The first lesson of the week started on Saturday.  First of all I should tell you that Jo started pulling herself up about 2 weeks ago.  Since then she's taken numerous tree-like falls backwards and I wouldn't be one bit surprised if she's given herself a mild concussion by now.  She pulls herself up onto everything and on Saturday climbed up the entire staircase.  Now, before you get all crazy I was right behind her the whole time.  Anyway, we've since put a gate at the bottom of the stairs.

Lesson number two came when I realized she had rediscovered the cat food I had already hidden on her once before.  Water and food was everywhere.  We've since barricaded the front door area of the house.  Please note that both lesson one and two are more of a hindrance for Marcus and I than anything because now we have to maneuver around things.

Lesson number three came when I found her in the bathroom eating toilet paper.  I hate to say this but by this point in time I'm fairly certain she's consumed toilet paper, potting soil, a piece of string, a part of a birthday blowout party favor, of course cat food, and not to mention anything else I haven't caught her with red-handed.  Unfortunately I don't have a better solution for any of these scenarios except for never taking my eye off her for one second and, I'll be perfectly honest here, that ain't gonna happen.

Lesson number four happened Sunday morning just before church.  I was in the bathroom when I heard a thud followed by the screams of Jo (her screams could wake the dead...I am certain the entire neighborhood has heard her).  I walked into the living room to be told that Jo had been standing in Marcus's lap and had launched herself over the arm of the chair they were in.  Neither of us know how she landed but she did have a nice bruise on her forehead so we assume she landed on her head.  Great.  We watched for signs of serious injury but other than crying her eyes out she acted normal.  Lesson number four, do not let Jo stand in your lap and launch herself over the arm of a chair.

Lesson number five also happened on Sunday when I was running on the treadmill while Marcus was "watching" the girls.  I know Marcus well enough to know that when I started running I needed to glance behind me every once in a while to see who might be lurking back there.  Alex would generally come in the room, stand there watching for a second, then leave.  However, towards the end of my run Jo had been lured in by the activity of her big sister.  I saw, out of the corner of my eye, as she spotted me on the treadmill and got the biggest shit-eating grin you ever saw.  She gave a shriek and made a bee line right for the treadmill.  "Marcus!" I screamed.  No response.  "Marcus!" I tried again, the panic rising.  Finally, in a last ditch effort to stop her I was about to hop off the machine when Marcus came running into the room and scooped her up.  Mind you, at no point did I ever consider turning the machine off so we can see where my priorities lie in times of distress.  Now, I either run when the girls are sleeping or, if Marcus is home...oh, who am I kidding?  I won't be running with Marcus in charge anymore.

Since I already called it earlier that Jo would be a handful I'm going to call this:  Jo will be the first to either get stitches or break a bone (God help me).

Does this look like the face of a troublemaker?  Yes.

Alex Fall Down

Please tell me I'm not the only one constantly body-checking her child into the wall, a piece of furniture, the floor...pretty much everything.  I mean, as it is Alex walks into walls or furniture on her own often enough so it's not entirely my fault.  Plus she weighs all of 25 pounds so one good bounce off my post pregnancy leg and she's air born.  Part of the problem is that this tends to happen when I'm carrying Jo and, God love her, can't see around her fat butt so then Alex gets underfoot and all hell breaks loose.

Today I was walking out of Jo's room carrying her in my arms and Alex was right at my feet as usual.  I'm not entirely sure how it happened but the next thing I know she's walked into my leg, bounced off it and gone face first into a sub woofer on the floor.  I immediately put Jo down and grab Alex only to be confronted with a bloody mouth and scraped chin and rather accusatory crying eyes.  While I feel terrible that I hurt her I can't help but wonder how many face plants have to be executed before she learns to stay at least a foot away from me when walking.  Let's just hope until she does learn to keep as far away as possible that the extent of her injuries can be fixed with a band aid and not a trip to the hospital.

The S Word

I'd like to preface the following with two things.  1. I tend to get frustrated quickly and easily and, 2. I tend to have the mouth of a sailor.  Therefore, the fact that it was I who taught Alex her first curse word should come as no surprise.

Marcus had been on travel for the previous 24 hours leading up to the event and Jo had been having one of her more miserable days in recent memory.  It seemed like she had cried all day long and by 8:00 at night my patience with her was wearing thin.  While Jo was busy being miserable Alex was due to be in bed and all of a sudden the day came crashing down on me.  While MANY words went flying through my head it was one that made it past my lips.  "SSHHHHIIITTTT!!!" I screamed.  The release of that one curse word immediately made me feel better but then I heard it.  Alex's tiny voice repeating after me.  "Shit!  Shit!"  Oh, f***.

Manipulation

I'd like to take a quick moment to note that yesterday marks the very first time Alex manipulated her dada because I wasn't giving her what she wanted.  Who knew it started so young?

Basically, we were all three in the pediatrician's waiting room, Marcus, me in the middle, and Alex sitting in her own chair much to her delight.  She then started sliding off and insisting I put her back in the chair (we're working on our upper body strength).  After a while I grew weary of the game and told her that I wasn't going to put her back in the chair.

She looked at me for a minute or two, I suppose trying to ascertain how serious I was, and when she finally concluded I was indeed, very serious, she walked over to Marcus and indicated to him she wanted to sit in his lap.  He picked her up (having not noticed what was going on next to him) and she proceeded to crawl out of his lap, onto and over me, and into "her" chair which she promptly slid right out of.

The thought process for this took less than a minute which I applaud; it didn't take her long to figure out a solution to her problem.  But the deceit?  Whoa boy.  We are in for it.  She's only 18 months old and she has a lot to learn...this is going to be bad.