Honesty

For those who are not aware we are moving to Jacksonville, North Carolina in just a few short weeks.  Marcus accepted a job with the USMC and so the Tepaske Tribe is uprooting and moving down south.  I always said I never wanted to move north of the Mason-Dixon Line (for no real reason other than it gets progressively colder and colder the farther north you get) and so I guess in that regards this is my wish come true.  Except, it isn't.  Now that we are moving I realize how much I do not want to move.  The whole thought is making me miserable.  It's not the only thing making me miserable but it's certainly at the top of the list.

Almost in line with the move and what's making me miserable is my everyday life.  I'm going to be perfectly honest here:  I have serious doubts on a daily basis that I'm a. cut-out to be a mom and, b. cut-out to be a stay-at-home mom.  Every day I wake-up and blink and it's the end of the day.  I don't know what I've done except both kids are fed and semi-clean.  That's not to say that everyone made it through the day without one or two breakdowns (myself included) but at least we're all safe.  Short of just making it through the day I cannot even begin to fathom trying to fit more than eating, pooping, and sleeping into the day.  As I type this I begin to realize I've fallen into some sort of depression.  Maybe I didn't escape the baby blues with JoJo like I thought I had and maybe it's just now beginning to rear it's ugly head. 

I'm sure there are a lot of things contributing to this feeling of depression and almost constantly feeling like on the verge of tears.  The upcoming move, taking on the role of stay-at-home mom, and having a new baby are just the tip of the icerberg.  As callous as this may sound I realized today that I have an inkling of understanding for women who abandon their families.  As a woman we're expected to change and become different people for our families and everyone else gets to stay the same.  It's an expectation placed on us by others as well as ourselves and unless you're filthy rich and can hire someone to take your place as mother and wife then you're stuck feeling like just a portion of the person you used to be.  I used to be fun and witty and enjoyed actually going out and doing things.  Now, I feel like I struggle to identify with others and the thought of having to actually get dressed to leave the house is daunting.  Maybe I'll feel better as we all settle into our new roles in North Carolina but right now, at this exact moment, I'm not looking forward to the future.