My dreams have been so out there I can't even begin to describe half of them, plus I barely remember them (I don't even remember how it came to be that I was subduing a naked man in one) and instead wake up feeling like something isn't quite right. The majority of them though have to do with the new baby. In one recent dream that creeped me out well into the next day I had given birth to a corpse baby. It was skinny beyond belief and its skin was black and green and as I gave it a bath, the skin peeled away. I remember being horrified and wondering why this baby didn't look like Alexandra. I then remember thinking to myself that no matter what I had to love this baby despite the fact it looked like I had dug it up from a centuries old grave. Then, in an instant, the baby was rosy skinned and fat and happy and smiling and looked surprisingly a lot like Alexandra but with more hair which was in a bowl cut. I know. The most horrifying thing I just said right then was the baby had a bowl cut.
The second dream I had in regards to the baby was a recent dream. In it, I was going into labor and Marcus was nowhere to be found. This is a legitimate concern of mine as he has proven on more than one occasion to be impossible to track down during the work day. So, I find myself at the hospital having the baby by myself. After the baby is born Marcus is still missing indicating he could care less about the baby and for that matter, nobody else cares either. Not one family member or friend is excited for this new baby's arrival. I suppose there is some truth to that. The second child, poor soul, does seem to be less highly anticipated than the first. It was a very depressing dream though not nearly as depressing as the next dream.
This third dream I had just the other day. I was going in for my 20-week ultrasound, the one that for parents means they can find out the gender of the baby but for the doctors it means finding out if there are any abnormalities with the growing baby. Again, I was by myself (I'm sensing an "absent Marcus" theme here) and as the ultrasound got under way I could see the baby on the monitor. "Uh," the ultrasound technician said, "hang on just a second. I'm going to get the doctor." In my real-life opinion, this is never a good thing and even in my dream I started to panic. The doctor came in and I asked what was wrong. "Oh, nothing, everything's just fine. Not to worry," and then he looks at the image on the monitor, which at this point looks like a 4-week old fetus and nothing like a 20-week old fetus, points at the brain area and says, "Wow, I've never seen anything like that. Do you mind if I have my students come in?" By this point I'm beyond hysterical, pleading with the doctor to tell me what is wrong with my baby and when I get no response I run out of the room crying.
All of these dreams signify to me that I am truly concerned for this baby. I don't know why my psyche just assumes that something is wrong and maybe it's my way of preparing for the worst-case scenario. I don't remember feeling this anxious or worried about Alexandra's health as she incubated. I just knew she was fine. But this time is different. I'm sure nothing is wrong and this baby will be just as healthy as Alexandra. So far I've done everything exactly the same except maybe I've been less strict about the foods a pregnant woman should supposedly avoid during pregnancy, like cold cuts. However, my doctor has yet to provide me with a list of foods I should not eat and therefore, to me, no such thing exists. In turn I've also avoided reading anything pregnancy related on the Internet because, again, unless my doctor tells me to do or not do something than to me, it's just another "thing" someone has come up with to make expectant mothers paranoid (NOTE: I am avoiding the obvious like alcohol and smoking cigarettes).
So, there you have it. My dreams as of late. I'm looking forward to these going away with time because there isn't much more I can take.
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