I have a rather lovely commute both to and from work. It’s a beautiful stretch of road through the Virginia countryside that I share with fellow employees of Dahlgren and locals making their way out of or into “town.” In short, my commute doesn’t even come close to the miserable commute others in my area deal with on a daily basis which could be the reason why I take such offense to obnoxious drivers. The route I take is a 2 lane highway with a large, grassy median dividing the east and west bound traffic. It’s mostly farmland with a few neighborhoods scattered here and there. It’s an idyllic drive and the worst “traffic” I run into might be a slow driver in the left lane holding up everyone else’s progress*.
Now, I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m no saint when it comes to driving. I learned how to drive in the Northern Virginia/DC area which recently was given the distinction as having the worst drivers in the country (http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/impatient-self-absorbed-dc-drivers-are-worst-in-the-nation-again/2011/05/28/AG5vbZDH_story.html). Thus, it should come as no surprise that I tend to be a fast, and at times, aggressive driver. I like to think of it more as survival of the fittest and it’s only necessary to be an aggressive driver when dealing with all of the other aggressive drivers out there. I would also like to mention that in all of my years driving I’ve had one speeding ticket and never (knock on wood) been in an accident.
Nonetheless I tend to get annoyed rather quickly with what I perceive to be another person behaving stupidly and a large part of me always wants justice. Since it’s rare that a cop is ever around to witness such behavior (why is that?!) I believe it’s my duty to let those people know they are being jerks. In a nutshell, if I see you driving like a maniac and I have the chance to fuck with you, I will.
Case in point: I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been cruising down the road and a car pulls out directly in front of me. Instead of speeding up with the traffic they putt along, slowly building momentum. Since I’m cruising along at a brisk 65 MPH it’s not long before I’m practically on top of them and having to navigate around them assuming that’s even possible and no other traffic is around. What bothers me the most about this scenario are two things: 1. There is rarely so much traffic on the road that it necessitates the need for pulling out in front of someone, and 2. I drive a bright, red sedan which is a car that doesn’t exactly blend in with its surroundings. So, I can only surmise a few things here. The other driver is so engrossed in themselves that they don’t care about anyone or anything else on the road or, they’re blind, in which case they really ought to reconsider driving altogether. I’ve been cut-off or had cars pull out in front of me so many times it’s become a source of bemusement rather than anger and because of this I’ve resorted to a new way of letting the person know that they aren’t the only drivers on the road: I wave at them. As I cruise on by I smile brightly and wave wondering if sarcasm can be conveyed through non-verbal communication. Some people notice and others don’t they’re so oblivious to their surroundings. If they do notice I like to think I at least gave them pause to consider what they might have done to receive such a response and it’s a bit classier than giving them the bird.
With that being said, I will give you the bird if you are being a complete ass-hat. For example if I see you charging up behind me, weaving in and out of traffic to finally come upon my little, red bumper and tailgate me to the point where I can see what color your eyes are I will flip you off, I will not speed up, and more than likely I will box you in with the car beside me**. Now, I realize playing games such as this is dangerous because the person behind the wheel could very well be a raving lunatic with a gun (we love our guns in Va.) and I sometimes look back at my own behavior with a degree of disgust because my behavior is no better than their's. At the same time part of me gloats in the knowledge that I slowed down their progress.
This exact scenario happened to me yesterday as I made my way home from work. The only difference between what happened yesterday and any other time is that I had Alex with me. There is nothing as intense a feeling as the one you get when it comes to protecting your child and I now fully comprehend the term “fiercely protective.” This particular ass-hat was driving an SUV which was jacked-up and which easily afforded a view into my backseat where Alex was buckled in (it also easily afforded the view of my middle finger, I’m sure). He was so close there’s no way he didn’t see a baby buckled into her car seat. Hell, he could probably see her eye color. I digress. Now, please don’t misunderstand me. I don’t expect the presence of my child to stop anyone from behaving badly but, God Almighty, give me the strength not to slam on my brakes, tear him from his seat, rip his balls off, shove them down his throat, and spit in his face. In that order. I was hot. The evil, physically harmful things I wanted to do to this man raced through my mind as I inched forward to pass the car beside me and eventually get out of his way (though I didn’t acquiesce too quickly which I’m sure didn’t help the situation). Once he passed, being sure to swerve ever so slightly into my lane so as to show me who was boss, my heart stopped racing and I reflected on my behavior. It goes without saying I should probably tone it down a bit especially once Alex starts talking because I really don't need her first word to be of the f-bomb variety.
I don’t have a clue where people are going when they’re driving so fast. Part of me hopes that they have an injured friend in the back seat and they’re desperately trying to get to the hospital. The other part of me knows better and I know they’re simply on their way to McDonald’s. While I do speed I rarely go over 10 MPH and just because some guy behind me wants to push 90 MPH is not a good enough reason for me to drive any faster to get out of his way. This doesn’t always sit well with the tailgater behind me but at least it won’t be me getting the ticket and I take some comfort in that knowledge.
Finally, I just want to add how much enjoyment I get out of watching other vigilante drivers. The other morning on the way into work a Maryland driver (they are the WORST!) appeared out of nowhere like they usually do (seriously, they drive so damn fast before you know it what was once wide, open road behind you is now a scene from The Fast and the Furious). I watched as he blew by me and attempted to cut off a truck leading the way into a merge. The truck proceeded to prevent Maryland from merging in front of him, pretended to make a left turn twice only to change his mind twice, and finally drive at the exact speed limit posted before he decided to let the Maryland driver out of his clutches. It was like watching a cat play with its prey before eating it and I was gleeful for the rest of the morning just thinking about it.
I suppose I’ve vented enough about horrible drivers though this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface. Not to mention I’m pretty sure I’ve made it on someone else’s list of horrible drivers they’ve encountered over the years and as they say it’s best not to throw rocks if you live in a glass house. Even if it is fun.
*I don’t know about where you live but where I live the left lane is reserved for people who want to chance getting a ticket. Therefore if you happen to glance in your rearview mirror and see a line of cars about a mile long you might want to consider moving over.
**Another fun thing to do is turn your windshield wiper fluid on for approximately 30 seconds and watch as they quickly fall behind. My coworker swears by it.
No comments:
Post a Comment