My Husband is Cheaper Than Yours

Ladies, the last thing I want to do is have a pissing contest over whose husband is the cheapest because to be honest, you don’t stand a chance. Case in point: Last night during a discussion of the baby’s crib I mentioned that we should probably take the plastic off the mattress so that it can air out. Marcus’s response? “Let’s leave the plastic on it so we can sell it later.” Yes. Let’s.

When it came to actually purchasing the baby’s furniture it was a battle of epic proportions. There was blood (very minimal…it occurred when I chewed at my nails which I am prone to do when anxious or nervous), sweat (I tend to get flushed easily these days), and tears (all jokes aside, there were tears). Before we begin it’s important to get a few things straight. For one, I wasn’t pushing for an $800 crib. I know better than that. While we certainly aren’t destitute I know our spending limits and Marcus’s propensity for cheapness. Second, furniture for a baby is not optional.

So, there we were at 30 weeks pregnant with a newly painted nursery yet nothing to actually put in the nursery. It was decided that we would venture to the nearest Babies R Us as we would need the furniture fairly quick and were starting to push our luck with furniture delivery times. We made our way to the store and immediately headed to the furniture section. We wandered around looking at all of the different options. It didn’t take long for me to realize we would not be purchasing anything that day. I don’t remember the specifics but I do remember one thing very clearly and that was the waterworks were coming and quickly. It took everything I had not to break into tears in the store (rather, they came later at home and for which I was promised baby furniture within a week).

Two weeks later (yeah, not one week, two weeks...so much for the tears) it was decided we would go back to Babies R Us. We found ourselves once again perusing the choices only there was one big difference: Marcus was drunk. Aha! Ladies, I have found the secret and I cannot believe it took me nearly four years to figure it out. If you desperately need your husband to stop being cheap long enough to get what you want then you’re going to have to get him drunk. As it is we not only bought the crib but the matching dresser, a mattress, and a portable crib. I call that a successful shopping trip. The important thing to note is that I didn’t take complete advantage of the situation. We never once stopped at DSW.

That’s not to say I won’t be taking advantage of my newfound knowledge at a later date because Momma needs a new car.

Breathing: A Poem

I sit here in my chair,
Barely moving a strand of hair.
Yet, my breathing is labored,
And quite loud.
How much longer can this possibly last?
I truly hope the next 6 weeks go by fast.

The Need To Overshare

As if writing a blog wasn't, in itself, oversharing my life with complete strangers on the Internet I also tend to talk more than I should with complete strangers in "real life."

Case in point:

I have come to the realization that when someone, anyone, asks "Are you ready?" they are not interested in knowing whether or not I am ready for the actual process of giving birth.  Therefore, when I give an answer such as "I have resigned myself to my fate" it should come as no surprise that they don't know how to react.  This is clearly not the answer they were looking for.  Rather, I expect, they were looking for a squeal of delight followed with "OMG!  I'm totes ready for this baby!"

I guess I need to work on my social cues.   

A List of Things I Just Simply Cannot Do

I thought I had started a list of things pregnant women can't do but apparently all I did was write a blog about what pregnant women can't do at amusement parks, very specific.  So, without further ado, here is a list of things pregnant women can't do in general:

1.  Drink.  Obviously.  And yes, after 7.5 months I'm still missing my red wine.
2.  Get dressed.  I need to work-out just to be able to get dressed in the morning.  I exert more energy putting pants on than a gymnast does at the Olympics.
3.  Roll-over in bed.  This requires a three-step process actually:  1.  wake-up  2.  sit-up  3.  roll-over.
4.  Sit down.  Even getting in an SUV type vehicle, which typically doesn't require much lowering of oneself, requires a lot of effort.
5.  Shave.  At least the area that needs shaving the most as that particular area is the area seen by the doctor on what will eventually be a weekly basis.  I don't think I need to explain that much further.
6.  Be able to sit close enough to the table so that when eating and possible spillage occurs it doesn't fall on you.
7.  Take a "joke."
8.  Stay up past midnight without contemplating murder.
9.  Clean a kitty litter box.  This isn't a complaint.  Just an FYI.
10.  Look at one's feet without having to lean over slightly.  Speaking of which I may or may not need to clip my toenails.
11.  In line with the above:  clip one's toenails.
12.  Move swiftly.  Cat-like reflexes or ninja moves are completely out.
13.  Wear a wedding ring and engagement ring at the same time.
14.  Use the bathroom without requiring the use of a plunger on a regular basis.  I already touched on that in a previous post.  I won't touch on it anymore.
15.  Breathe.
16.  Driving while contemplating the death of every other driver out there is a common occurance.  Though to be fair this happened before I was pregnant, too.
17.  Speaking of murder.  Contemplate the likeliehood a pregnant woman could get off the hook for murder...there aren't any known cases but I'm willing to be the first:  "Your Honor, my client pleads not guilty by reason of 9 month's pregnant."  (While this isn't necessarily something I cannot do it is something I should not do.)